Month 1: Through gritted teeth

Hawk & Dove #1

Oh, Liefeldpaws.

No, wait, go back. I was almost excited about this because I have ridiculously fond memories of the Karl & Barbara Kesel run on it back in the 80s, but couldn't see why it was part of the new line, or written by a guy who hasn't done anything of note other than a few issues of Supergirl. Luckily Wikipedia gave me the answer:

Gates lives in Los Angeles, where he is good friends with fellow writers and collaborators James Robinson and Geoff Johns.

If you can't beat them, make friends with them and beg them for a job, eh?

Anyway, the writing is best summed up by ANGST! SHOUTING! SHOUTING! ANGST! DADDY ISSUES! INTERNAL CONFLICT! ANGST! and could have come exactly from that same book nearly 25 years ago. It has a long dialogue which lays out all the history and ends with a two-page splash which is CLASSIC Liefeld fodder but also implies CoIE is part of the new continuity too (but hang on, Barry Allen died during that, so doesn't that make a mess of everything?):

I do have to draw attention to this stunning bit of dialogue though:

Seriously, "You smell like.. Hawk & Dove"? Wtf does that even mean?

I've spent too long laughing at the writer though, and not enough laughing at Rob Liefeld. Have a montage, and remember - all these were drawn independently and I haven't included any of them twice.

There, now you don't need to read it.

Any other books will have to go a long, long way to be as bad as this. I will only make it to #3 because I love you.