Month 0: The first time I've been close to quitting

Batwoman #0: Kate's childhood and path to becoming Batwoman told in a momentary flashback during the death of Beth in one of the previous issues. It's entertaining enough, if very wordy (which in itself is one fo the inherent problems because, well, there's a more pressing reason for buying JH Williams books) but it just feels desperately unoriginal. It's a story I feel like I've read 1000 times before and don't feel I need to read again at the end of the day. Blah blah overbearing military father blah blah badly chosen life partners blah blah substance abuse - how is it different from Roy Harper's story, for example? Inessential.
Birds Of Prey #0: Welcome back, our old friend CONTINUITY. So, the Penguin's floating ice casino - WHICH ONLY APPEARED IN GOTHAM AFTER THE JOHNSIVERSE STARTED (which is why we saw the gala opening) - was around before the Johnsiverse started and was sufficiently famous for both Black Canary and Batgirl to investigate independently. So we understand why Dinah and Babs are mates, but how does Eve/Starling fit into the picture? Oh aye, she was put on the not-yet-invented floating casino by Amanda Waller to infiltrate it and break it up (so that's now THREE separate strands of investigation into something that doesn't exist yet) and is staying with Dinah because Waller tells her to. Presumably because of some unfinished Team 7 business. A team which, let's not forget, according to Suicide Squad #0 Waller left voluntarily but on relatively good terms and according to Team 7 #0 worked well. Even the Who's Who chapter at the bank doesn't illuminate, it just says Team 7 broke up mysteriously. Although it didn't, if you read Suicide Squad #0. Retconning things after ONE YEAR either shows you don't have any control over it or the whole thing was just an excuse to pay Rob Liefeld millions. Neither are very satisfactory explanations, I have to say.
Blue Beetle #0: My head hurts. Abandoning (to a large extentcontradicting) the backstory from the first 12 issues of the title concerning the Reach and how they were the BAD VILLAINS FROM BEFORE TIME WHO WERE ALWAYS MORTALLY ENEMIES WITH THE LANTERNS we find out instead that Jaime's scarab was instead a prototype weapon created by the people in the Reach which DESPITE BEING A COMPLETE FAILURE (unless you can think of a different way to describe how you can be rejected by your first choice of host - although to be fair it is a very young Lady Styx - and then spend ALL the rest of your time on the cosmic backwater of Earth, being lost for large chunks of it; in fact the first host you ever found seems to be in pre-Colombian Central America) goes completely into production as a MASSIVE EVIL WEAPON... well, words fail me. Anyway, it turns out OMAC teleported Blue Beetle to reach space at the end of the JLI annual, which was handy. They're all after him there for being a traitor. Which is odd as THIS VERY ISSUE it's clear this scarab what a prototype which still, for no identifiable reason, proved the concept and led to all the other scarabs. Despite having been only used once. HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE EMPLOYED?
Captain Atom #0: STOP GIVING JT KRUL MONEY. Nat Adam is a kind of flakey and unreliable test pilot for the military. So, not Hal Jordan then. He gets picked to fly a spaceship into another dimension despite the fact it doesn't move, yet everyone seems surprised and the mission must be a failure and he must be dead when it does exactly what it's supposed to. The dimensional transfer spunks out a bit of blue goo which Dr Manhattans itself into Captain Atom. He then gives a Mitt Romney speech about how the US military are so underfunded compared to their enemies and floats above the world as God. This is not, despite the way it sounds, the worst issue of Captain Atom but that particular bar isn't set very high.
Catwoman #0: Is it normal to have your job explained to you for the first time a year after you start work? Thought not. Anyway, Selina became a thief because a boy caught her out lying to him in a bar. There's a hamfisted attempt to establish a SUPER SECRET RUSSIAN PAST and that Selina Kyle is wiped from history and doesn't exist. Contradicting the first year of the book. Zero month isn't really much of a success, is it?
DCU Presents #0: HOW DOES A ROTATING STORY BOOK HAVE AN ORIGIN? Why not just tell the origin story of 5 books that are already cancelled? As pointless an exercise as that sounds. Tell you what, why not add a Who's Who page for OMAC that ignore the JLI annual (despite explicitly mentioning it) and says he's still a happy part of them. That's bound to make things better. Or a "before the Nu52" story that takes place during the first JL plot (probably after #4). Inept.
GL:NG #0: In origin month, NOT AN ORIGIN ISSUE. Following GL:NG #12 they have all broken up, so Kyle and Carol Ferris team up to kill some Black Hand zombies. During this they find out that Hal is dead (from GL #12/#0 or something) and we get a minor smidgeon more of the Guardians plans. But only a little bit, mind.
Justice League #0: CONTAINS NO ACTUAL JUSTICE LEAGUE. Geoff Johns' Shazam is a dick and reflects his world weary schtick in that Billy just wants to use his powers to make money. We get a Pandora backup story which links into Phantom Stranger #0 and undoes a lot of it, and a single page which introduces the Johnsiverse Question who it turns out is Rorscach. That went full circle then, huh? I hate you Geoff. Why don't you just fuck off and play in your own little GL universe where only you and your mates read comics and leave the memory of CC Beck alone? Why couldn't they have given Jeff Smith the gig? He nailed it. I despair.
LoSH #0: A summary. Braniac becomes part of the Legion. After he has become part of the Legion in a different untold story, which he may or may not remember. Inexplicably, this is still the best book so far this week. Which says more about the rest than it does about this, if I'm honest.
Nightwing #0: Despite the fact that all the way up to OWLS was explaining how Dick was the chosen one since whenever to challenge the Waynes, this is not actually mentioned until the Who's Who page. Instead, we get the yet another retelling of the Robin origin which is pretty much exactly the same as the previous ones with the exception of letting us know we should play cards with Bruce because he has a tell like you wouldn't believe. Which does raise the question why more people haven't worked out who Batman is. Overall OK, but not necessary.
Red Hood #0: Was the Joker the hand that shaped the events that made Bruce choose Jason Todd before? I don't think he was, which makes this a Nu52 #0 rarity - a story that actually tells something new. Anyway, A Death In The Family is Nu52 canon. That's all. (PS This is pretty good)
Sword of Sorcery #0: Amethyst saves a girl from the 50s from being raped by a group of jocks then is transported to Gemworld (or whatever it's called) by her mother the second she turn 17. (Amy, not her mother. That would be really weird.) She then shows us all her mommy issues before John Constantine steals her jewel in the real world while she isn't looking. Presumably that means she's trapped there. DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Beowulf wants to be like Northlanders (with it even being advertised in the back despite no link) and takes place in a near-ish future which has regressed to the Dark Ages. It could actually be a pretty good story but I ssupect it will take a number of months to work out whether it is or not.
Wonder Woman #0: A near-perfect Silver Age pastiche, which thinks it's from the Golden or maybe the Pulp age. Whatever, a joy from beginning to end and makes the whole Zero Month idea worthwhile. Probably the only thing I'd recommend you all read this week, as long as you like Silver Age comics.

Month 0: Seriously. I could edit and I don't have anything better to do right now.

Batgirl #0: In a textbook case of MISSING THE POINT, Gail Simone uses an origin issue to side-step the story that still has to be told (how Babs got her groove back after The Killing Joke) and instead gives us a story about how she first put on a Bat-suit. Skirting past the obvious new continuity problems the script causes (so James Jr now knows she's Batgirl, right?), this is just an indulgent episode of Gail's teen-feminism schtick - the bad guy who forces her into the suit for the first time may or may not be exploiting Eastern European teenage girls into prostitution and/or murder (I say may not as he's rescued by a group of young girls who seem in his thrall, because as we know in Gail's universe only women have the ability to be real characters in the plot), Babs puts on the suit because she has to protect her little brother because she's the 'woman of the house' since their dad left, Babs is secretly in love with her dad, Babs uses her feminine wiles to get to see things she shouldn't be able to because she is naturally more clever than everything else because they're only men DO YOU SEE. It's utterly wearying and it's a blessed relief when the last page turns up. Even if it does tease The Killing Joke. Then the Who's Who page directly contradicts what we've just seen. How much do DC's editors get paid?
Batman #0: Basically, a rooftop conversation between Bruce and Gordon where Gordon lets him know he thinks he's the new vigilante running about. But it's definitely much more - the Red Hood bank job is clearly a nod back to the original, and may link into a Joker origin in coming months. Snyder has talked/trailed something that could be a Death In The Family reboot so it makes sense that he would build it from the ground up. A good, solid filler then with a backup story that basically gives us the origins of all the Johnsiverse Robins in 6 pages. Compact and efficient storytelling definitely has a place in the New DC and more writers could learn from this short piece.
Batman & Robin #0: I guess this is just a retelling of GMoz's version of Damian's childhood with Talia, but you know what the problem is with this? This image:

Cute, yes, but if he's 10 at the time he meets Batman (on the final page) and he's about 2 or 3 in that picture then Talia had a Batman suit at least three years BEFORE BRUCE BECAME BATMAN. Sort it out, please. Somebody?
Deathstroke #0: The first thing we can gather from this is that Rob's seen Captain America: The First Avenger because he's ripped off the plot totally for this. Although the US Army hasn't changed between WWII and whenever this is supposed to be set (although it actually does refer to WWII, so maybe they're all time travellers as well). I love the idea that someone tries to kill Deathstroke's wife and son and this sole act (despite the fact she knows what he does for a living, and was in the Army, and was a key part of running the super-soldier programme and Team 7, and trained Deathstroke in the first place although "birthing two children had slowed me down") is enough for the two of them to become anti-Deathstroke super-villains. But where Rob really pulls it out of the bag here is with his artwork. I could paste almost every page, but let's look at some of the best ever versions of the best ever Rob tropes:

Can anybody work out where this woman's hips are?

It's a mutant baby! Look at the shape of it's head! (Actually, there is other visual evidence on the same page that Rob's model was Uatu The Watcher.)

A gun with no trigger. Or, as we call it, a stick.

Weird torso lines, stretchy groin, heroic poses, what Rob thinks US Army issued boots look like.

Gun with trigger but missing fingers. Swords, pouches, bad feet. Oh, and a missing leg.

Someone being shot by said gun. Which is where? Deathstroke's hands are nearly through the guy's back, never mind the gun.

Heroic floating and/or invisible platform.

Deathstroke's cameltoe bends the rules of perspective.

Where to start. Extra finger, no gun butt, no sense of how projectile weapons work.
INVISIBLE MOTORBIKE.
I'd love to think this is a big fuck you from Rob to DiDio. But the real truth is he's been able to become a millionaire and draws as badly as this. A lesson for all of us.
Demon Knights #0: Hmm. Etrigan was now one of the great demons of Hell, who basically only got that way because Lucifer took the piss out of his speech impediment. Well, that's a retelling and a half. Still, it's well written and consistent with the book as it's written in the Johnsiverse. Which makes it head and shoulders above most of the rest of this shite.
Frankenstein #0: Frankenstein is explained as the actual Frankenstein's monster from the book, only with Victor as a LoEG type chap and some Aztec/Mayan type Amazon Indians having told him the secret to being alive. That makes it all so much better then, doesn't it. Or at least it does when you punch it. That's makes everything great.
GLC #0: Guy Gardner got picked as a Green Lantern because he's a dick, it appears. Did we really need 20 pages of comics to tell us that? Plus he has daddy issues. Like everyone else in the Johnsiverse. Still, his jacket shows he's a rebel and a biker. No, really, he willed it into being solely for that reason. Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it?
Grifter #0: VERY NEARLY CONTENT-FREE. A couple of panels per page very nearly tells the story of how Grifter forgot he was Daemonite Jesus and ended up in #1. I say nearly, because this wins the award of laziest book Rob Liefeld ever did for DC. And that's some claim.
Legion Lost #0: Timber Wolf's origin is the same as it was before. So this is 20 pages of telling a story we've heard before. Which probably makes sense as the origin of Legion Lost was in #1 and retelling the same story within a year is probably taking the piss slightly too much. Although that hasn't stopped Rob L.
Resurrection Man #0: THE END. It turns out Deathstroke did it. (Not really, it turns out that like in Doctor Who there was a spare arm that had the same sort of healing abilities as the main body and then ended up becoming a thing all of its own - although in this case it had actual magic powers and a whole different personality). A magic demon turns up and kills bad Mitch then transports good mitch to a detective's office where he can work with some other people from the SUPER SECRET BASE as detectives in the future if it ever gets renewed. Unlikely as that seems.
Suicide Squad #0: Contains no actual Suicide Squad content. The story of how The Wall left Team 7, which somehow (with no explanation) gives her the inspiration to start the Squad. It's competently enough written (although the differing height of her top means there is often BEWB/NO BEWB contradiction between panels on the same page) but not what it's supposed to be.
Superboy #0: Since the origin of this Superboy was told over the first three or four issues of the series, so instead we get a story about how Kryptonians were always building clones to do their domestic work and they revolted so it isn't really surprising that this one (being the first Kryptonian/human hybrid) was born with Universe-punching tendencies. And he has a big secret about who the human DNA has come from, but OH NOES THEY GUY WHO IS TELLING HIM IS DEADED! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we've run out of plot so let's reprint some of the stuff from the first 4 books to pad it out. Despite this, a pretty engaging and fun read.
Team 7 #0: Having had their living story told in Deathstroke #0 and Suicide Squad #0, we now get their founding story. In short, they were set up as DC's version of The Boys at the time of Justice League #1 or thereabouts. We can tell this for two reasons - there's an image of Superman in costume which makes it post-Action, and there's a helpful caption which tells us it's 5 years ago. I'm sure it's not going to be like The Boys, but it has an identical concept. But that isn't the problem. The problem is the people who are in Team 7. We get Waller and Deathstroke. We get Grifter, the old Justice Society Black Canary (plus the guy who she must get married to between this and the start of Birds of Prey) and three new characters. The fittest and best of these, who is stronger and fitter than anyone else in Team 7 according to the dialogue, will be the one that ends up in a mecha suit. Obviously. But that isn't my biggest problem with the title. Which is that Fairchild's dad is there as well, and makes
reference to the fact she wants to be a doctor but is clearly a child from the way he talks about her. So how does she manage to become a successful doctor in charge of a secret programme in five short years? Really, who knows. We've had a time-travelling bat cloak already this month.
Ravagers #0: Or, how Beast Boy and Terra came to be in the Johnsiverse. Fairly predictably, it turns out they were genetic experiments by Harvest - the bad guy we've already forgotten about from The Culling, which we've already forgotten about as well - and the success of these two give him the idea for the whole of his Ravagers/Culling thing. But somewhat inevitably it turns out all his genetic tinkering did was awoke Beast Boy's connection with The Red which means he is an avatar of sorts. STOP IT. RIGHT NOW. This contradicts everything you've just told us in Animal Man, and also means if this doesn't cross over into Rot World (which it doesn't) that neither The Red or The Rot are very attentive. Although probably moreso than DC editors. I mean the Who's Who bit at the end has Fairchild as a doctor in N.O.W.H.E.R.E. at this point, meaning Team 7 #0 doesn't take place when it's supposed to do. MY KINGDOM FOR AN EDITOR.

Month 0: The worst week since the reboot. Seriously.

Action Comics #0: Very nice and all, but am I alone in thinking this is utterly pointless? We get the story of Superman's t-shirts (told a couple of issues ago in the Solly Fisch backup), the story of Clark's landlady and Mxyzptlk (told in the main feature last month) and an inconsequential little story about the cape maybe having some of the powers in it rather than in Supes. Throw in an admission by Clark to Jimmy that he only started working at the Planet to get close to Lois and a throwaway couple of panels giving the SHOCKING SECRET ORIGIN OF NU-JIMMY OLSEN. The backup is just confusing. It tells an old story of the threat which was fully explained in the main title over the past couple of months. Does that mean Adam is coming back? Is the Planet Cuckoo plot ongoing because, you know, it seemed kind of final and closed? How does this square with GMoz going in a couple of months? GET ME AN EDITOR FOR THE WHOLE LINE.
Animal Man #0: Right, in short the plot is this: Arcane/The Rot are too powerful and Kill Animal Man/the Red Avatar. The Red discuss things and know Maxine is supposed to be the new avatar (even though she isn't conceived at that point) so send the GMoz aliens to operate on Buddy and make him a stop-gap. Ellen doesn't get to grips with the new Buddy, especially when she becomes pregnant with Maxine 6 months later. Arcane/The Rot then decide that although they know she's the real chosen one and it would be really easy to wipe her out as a foetus it's far more beneficial to allow her to live and be the centre of a crossover event which will make DC lots of money. Which for me raises this question - what are the GMoz aliens actually for and why do The Red have them if the only time they have used them is the one time they've been forced into botching a stop-gap avatar because their next one (who doesn't need operated on) doesn't exist yet? I feel like we need a "The Tailors" #0. But don't get ideas. I wouldn't buy it.
Batwing #0: You know what's handy about UNSPEAKABLE ACTS? You can't show them, or even talk about them because they are UNSPEAKABLE. This is somewhat of a drawback in an origin issue. Ultimately, David gets a thrill out of dressing up and beating up criminals. Part of this is because he was disgusted when a fellow police officer offered him a bribe at a crime scene. This didn't stop him from accepting it, or make him leave the police force, just made him dress up and be violent. Despite this, Bats likes him and gives him everything he wants. CONSORTING WITH CRIMINALS, EH BRUCE? He could probably have afforded to buy all the stuff with the cash he's creaming off during his day job. So what's he spending it on? Eh? EH? Inquiring minds want to know, Winick.
Detective #0: I am now completely confused as to who buys this shit. Oh wait, it's me, isn't it. Crap. In the first story, we learn how Bruce had all the emotion driven out of his heart in the Himalayan monastery, including having the girl he fancied murdered for money by her own family to prove that everyone is scum. In the second story he returns to Wayne Manor because he loves Alfred so much and immediately tells him everything about how he wants to be Batman. They obviously didn't teach discretion at the monastery.
Dial H #0: Awesome. What would happen if we had an ancient Eqyptian Dial H, complete with giant stone sun-dial dial and modern-era heroes. A women who can fly in her fairground dodgem car? CHECK, MOTHERFUCKER. And if an entertaining story wasn't enough, we actually get a bit more plot as to how the dials work and the consequences of using them. Top, top stuff.
Earth 2 #0: So, a past tale of the Justice League of Earth 2 prior to EVERYTHING that the Earth 2 book has been doing to date. And is going to be continued in Earth 2 #5. So, a reboot of the book then. Which came from a reboot (post-cancellation) of Mr Terrific. Who hasn't really featured in it since #1. Who is the secret Justice League member he isn't mentioning? Who cares.
GI Combat #0: The Unknown Soldier part of this is pretty good. We find out (possibly) that there have been Unknown Soldiers through history, providing a mystic dimension, or it could just all be a drug hallucination. Does the museum even exist? "You're really into this, aren't you?" says a crow. Yes, yes I am. Do you need me to tell you that the JT Krul segment is shite? "Couldn't rest. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep." COULDN'T WRITE, MORE LIKE.
Green Lantern #0: OH GOD, GEOFF JOHNS, JUST FUCKING STOP WITH THE SADFACE. Page 1, Panel 5. We get this image:

PANEL FUCKING 5. An Arab family in Michigan are watching 9/11. The next day, some people write 'Arabs go home' on their community centre. Five years later, a girl gets teased by some boys. In 2011, a guy gets searched in an airport. This turns Baz into a suicide bomber. BY PAGE 3. But by accident though, because he was only being a thief. This doesn't stop him getting Guantanamoed by people who doubt he's American because he doesn't have an American name. Despite the fact their names are Valdez and Fed (which is a common British surname, according to Johns). And Agent Fed is doing this BECAUSE HIS SON DIED IN 9/11. Stop, please. I can't decide whether this is the funniest thing I've ever read, or the craziest. I can't understand what Geoff Johns' point is. More to the point, I can't understand WHY THE FUCK A COMISSIONING EDITOR THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. In the end, he gets rescued from Waterboarding Death by Sinestro/Hal Jordan's ring after they went off into blackness at the end of the GL Annual. This is bound to end well, obviously.
Green Arrow #0: Judd Winick writes the 'playboy Ollie gets dumped on a deserted island and learns to shoot' story. In the Johnsiverse, playboy Ollie gets dumped on a deserted island and learns to shoot. It's as essential a read as that makes it sound.
Phantom Stranger #0: Ok. An origin issue for a title not being published. Which DC have always shied from telling the origin of, given that would remove all the mystery from a character whose only power is... mystery. Written by Dan DiDio. On about page 5 we get shown the three "greatest transgressors mankind has ever known". Hitler? Stalin? Pol Pot? Idi Amin? Ghengis Kahn? Vlad The Impaler? No. A ginger bloke who looks a bit like Guy Gardner, a woman in a cloak (who looks pretty much like Countdown woman) and the guy who becomes the Stranger (whose transgression is avarice causing him to betray his mate). He then pleads to the wizard to forgive him, like Jesus would have done. My head hurts. In the actual story, the Stranger thinks he can stop being the Stranger by turning Jim Corrigan into The Spectre. He does, but then the spooky voice goes back on his promise. CURSE YOU, SPOOKY VOICE! JESUS WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT (PROBABLY)!
Stormwatch #0: Oh you're kidding me. AT-ATs controlled by dolphins? Jenny Quantum is really the force behind Demon Knights? And then she became a nun so she could have sex with Merlin, because he only has sex with nuns. Then the Demon Knights fight the Daemonites, and are forced to change their name to avoid Dark Ages confusion over homophones. Unreadable, really.
Swamp Thing #0: Having slagged off the other books for retelling stories that didn't need retold, and shoehorning in crossovers, I am eating my words. Scott Snyder takes the well-worn story of how Alec Holland becomes the Swamp Thing and retells it changing only ONE detail (which I'm not going to spoil for you if you haven't read it). In doing so he links it into Rotworld and Animal Man #0 effortlessly and still tells a cracking story in the process. Victory from what should be, if you'd described it beforehand, the jaws of defeat.
World's Finest #0: Basically, how Helena and Kara meet on Earth 2. But ultimately this takes the bits I've been enjoying of World's Finest (the Levitz/Maguire bits) and gives us 20 pages of it. Which is nice. Good stuff, but inessential frippery really.

Month 12: Crisis of Infinite Sadface

Aquaman #12: Top work DC. Zero month means there is now a pointless origin issue between the two climactic issues of the plot. In short, Mera is still jealous and isn't shy about showing it. This makes Georgette of the Jungle furious and she sets her jaguars on anyone who speaks to her. Luckily one of them is Black Manta, who is able to fight them off. Unluckily the other is Doctor Shin, who is just an old Chinese bloke, after all. Luckily Vostock stops her. Unluckily this means he gets killed by Manta. Luckily that means Geoff Johns gets to have everyone stand around bleeding Superhero Sadface. Well, luckily for him. Not so much for the rest of us.
Justice League #12: Sadface Bad Guy has a pile of ghosts deny the Justice League their sadface by telling them how they're better off without them. And Steve Trevor is also there, contradicting Justice League Dark. OR IS HE, EH? The power of Sadface actually means he isn't really dead, which makes everyone else think their Sadface isn't real. This is bad for Sadface Bad Guy, but quite lucky for Wonder Woman and Superman because it makes them Super Horny. Diana has the small matter of being in a relationship with Steve in the way, but she resolves it pretty quickly by dumping him in his hospital bed. Ever the gentleman, Hal Jordan leaves Earth so the press can write about that instead. And if that makes sense to you, then you are Geoff Johns aicm£5.
Detective Comics Annual #1: An inconsequential story about a battle between the Mad Hatter and the Black Mask to be the chief mind control villain in Gotham. It's set in a circus, which diminishes the story as it's too close to the main Nightwing/Owls setting - unless we're supposed to think there are two cursed/evil/bad circuses in Gotham? In which case, no wonder their main villain is a clown... anyway, these 30-odd pages are very definition of contractual obligation. Don't waste your time.
Green Lantern Annual #1: Fifty pages later, I'm none the wiser. Two stories go on here: The GL plot with Black Hand concludes (of sorts) and/or the Guardians do some shit about the Third Army. In the first, Black Hand forces Hal to decide between seeing his dad again or having manhugs from Sinestro. He can't, so hits Black Hand on various headstones until his eye is hanging out; in which time Sinestro has turned up and they reacharound Hal's Lantern. Elsewhere in space, the Guardians let some other Guardians out of a big metal box in space where they've had them chained up for "billions of years". They have a big fight about whether the 'First Lantern' should be released. The plots then collide when the bad Guardians turn up and tell Black Hand he's their favourite, which makes Hal and Sinestro disappear in a swirl of Sadface. The Third Army seems to involve the Guardians covering people in their blue muck, until only their eyes are visible. Has Johns got a bukakke fetish or something? I don't know any more. THERE ARE ONLY 16 PARTS OF THE THIRD ARMY TO GO.
JLI Annual #1: In short, the SHOCKING CONCLUSION is that OMAC is still the same character he was at the beginning of his own title and is only there to get information for Brother Eye so he can destroy the JLI (presumably as part of his vendetta against Maxwell Lord). Booster turns OMAC back into Kevin, before staring down an alternate Booster that Rip Hunter has sent from another time stream to stop the Super Horniness from JL#12. Before he goes, OMAC depowers the Scarab suit and sends Blue Beetle back to The Reach, which you would think would have horrendous implications for that not-cancelled book set in NYC. If only the e-i-c of the Johnsiverse had had a hand in this to stop it. This book with a DiDioco-writing credit. Nothing happens in this that couldn't have been wrapped up in the JLI book, which implies the only reason for this annual was not to spoiler Super Horniness. Which the press had done, and DC's publicity material. It could be worse, I could have paid for this book.
Superman Anuual #1: Helspont punches Superman into the moon, where Grifter shows how much stronger and more powerful than Superman he is. Martian Manhunter gets beaten by a minor Daemonite and in doing so he refers to his role in Stormwatch #12. Which is AFTER he left the title. There's a scene with Stafire which takes place after "pretty much any issue of Red Hood". Which is tricky, since for the past 8 months it's been a space opera set around Tamaran. Seriously, am I the only guy bothering to read these comics? Scott Lobdell and Fabien Nicieza clearly aren't. To skip to the end, ignoring Hawkman getting beaten up for no plot-related reason, Helspont has had some sort of relationship with Jor-El before the destruction of Krypton, which makes Superman cry in space. This has been a Sadface-fuelled month and no mistake.
Flash Annual #1: It's explained where the Rogues got their enhanced powers and we get a great (if slightly old-fashioned) Rogues story. Which suits me, because the Rogues are one of the best backup casts in the DCU. THEN GORILLAS INVADE! And no sadface in sight! WHy aren't more DC books like this? Oh yes, BECAUSE OF THE JOHNS.

Doctor Who: the Earth is stolen and so is my brain

You know, I figured I might as well do Doctor Who on here as well... several of you may be familiar with my lengthy rantings on ILX and some other places about NuWho, so this may be a pleasant reprise or maybe a painful one. Anyway, I've been on a bit of a Davros kick over the weekend - not strictly true I suppose, more of a Wet Vet run but after seeing Resurrection I had Davros in my head. Rather than make Frances sit through it again, I ploughed through Rusty's take on him today. And boy was I sorry...

As with the vast majority of NuWho stories, the core idea stripped down is a good one. The Daleks are using a series of planets to make a giant bomb which will destroy reality. OK, it owes an awful lot to Dalek Invasion of Earth but remaking stories with a slightly different dressing is not in itself a problem.

So what's actually wrong with it then? I'm reminded of a documentary on Dusty Springfield I saw once where Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe are being interviewed about 'Nothing Has Been Proved' and Neil says that "she just sort of takes your song and 'Dustifies' it". Well Rusty takes the story and just kind of 'Rustifies' it. Throw in Mummy issues. Throw in returning characters. Throw in another set of Mummy issues. Throw in more returning characters. Throw in a third set of Mummy issues, just for luck. Reference your own stories. Make sure there are a couple of really bad anagrams (Osterhagen = Earth's gone). Have another set of returning characters. Have the Doctor cry a bit. Make everybody romantically love the Doctor. Make one of your female heroes sexually predatory. Have a portentous 'prophecy'. Throw in some funny sounding names that DT can gurn while he says. Have those funny Rhinos back, everyone thought the way they spoke was funny. And, most importantly, have a character YOU created i.e. NOT THE DOCTOR be the most important heroic saviour character.

In the end then, by the time you've had 100 introductions and 100 goodbyes there isn't actually much time for the story. The Earth gets taken away. The Doctor isn't on it. The Doctor manages to get to it. The TARDIS is nearly destroyed. The daleks have their hubris tempered. The daleks and Davros appear to be conquered for the last time. Say what you like about running up and down corridors but (more often than not) it was to advance the plot to some degree, no matter how little. Rustifying it doesn't do anything to the plot, in concentrates on the soap opera and Rusty's GRATE JOKES. 

None of this excuses some of the worst crimes, such as letting Freema Ageyman anywhere near the show again. There's stiff competition, but she must be the worst actress ever to have touched the property in 50 years. And then her character is worse. Given a simple job as a UNIT soldier and the LAST HOPE OF EARTH, what does she do? Goes home to see her mum. And stays there. YOU GO GIRL! Billie is, somewhat inexplicably, wearing Dick Emery's comedy vicar teeth. The daleks do the Yakety Sax speeded up thing.

But I'm saving the best for last. The clue was there all along. Donna Noble is a temp. She says so, lots of times. "I'm only a temp." "Best temp in Chiswick." Temp could be time in cod-schoolboy Latin. And she is a Noble. Or a Lady. A Temp Lady. A Time Lady. HAHAHAHAHA DO YOU SEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I might try End Of Time. Or arsenic. I'm not sure which will be worse.

Month 12: Rob says bye-bye

All-Star Western #12: The Crime Bible/Owls stuff concludes pretty much as you'd expect it to, with extreme violence from Tallulah and some inappropiate sexing. Doctor Jekyll's mate turns up at the end? Is ASW going all LoEG on us? Time will tell, I guess, but I'll still be here as this remains a most solidly entertaining read. The Terrence Thirteen backup is great steampunky science hero stuff, but at two issues of 8 pages is actually about as much of it as I want to read. So good job it's Tomahawk next then.

Dark Knight #12: Scripted in such a way to make the most of Dave Finch having given up everything else, this is mainly a stream of pretty (and some, frankly, not so pretty - the Btaman chained to the bench is pretty awful) [ictures which advances the Scarecrow story pretty slowly but at the end it's clear why - Zero Month has to tie into this so the Scarecrow possibly is only there to enable THAT story. In which case, a let-down.

GL:NG #12: Right, so this is over and they break up at the end. But more new team coming and more Kyle Rayner. The Weaponer, who is obviously not Hawkman, manages to switch off the button which is keeping Invictus out of his statue and he just sort of peters out until Larfleeze stands on him. Who could like this?

I, Vampire #12: The broad comedy in this book continues to work well, especially in this Stormwatch crossover which is the most fun they've been since Warren Ellis stopped writing them. But then at the end Andrew seems to have removed the premise of the book. NOW GET OUT OF THAT.

Justice League Dark #12: A very slow-moving stroll though many new minor DC magic characters and a bit of progression on the Tim Hunter stuff. This Felix Faust arc has been fun but it needs to go somewhere, and taking a month off to tell an untold Constantine/Zatanna story in Zero Month will not help.

Superman #12: Crappy 80s monster of the month issue. But then he tells Superman that he can't know what it's like to grow up alone on an alien planet DO YOU SEE. This makes Clark give up being Superman for the day to go bungee jumping. No, me neither.

Titans #12: Look, let's just make this a romance book and then we'll all be happy. Young Heroes In Love. I would buy the shit out of that. It's the bext thing about this title, except for this month's random backup which is a linking piece around DC Presents #12 and will make no sense to anyone who didn't read it. Change tack. Please? For me?

Flash #12: SYNCHRONICITY ALERT. I mentioned Golden Glider in this month's Batgirl review, and who turns up here? OOOH SPOOKY PSYCHIC "Raeppa redilg nedlog!" The Rogues are at war with Captain Cold. How can this suck? It can't, that's how.

Firestorm #12: All the international Firestorms fight each other, and Indian Firestorm gets blown up by somebody else. Then they have another fight, and the Ronnie Firestorm and Jason Firestorm hold hands and sing Islands In The Stream, which makes Russian Firestorm disappear and then at the end French Firestorm blows up Not Madame Masque, possibly blowing herself up in the process. A new beginning is promised after Zero Month, which almost makes me wonder whether they can make it any good.

Hawkman #12: As if we didn't need any proof of Rob L's lack of ideas, his new villain he introduced in this has a bike like Lobo did in Deathstroke and the dialogue is pretty much identical. So rather than recycling his artwork, he's moved ahead to recycling scripts IN THE SAME MONTH. And this is the guy who struggles to understand why DC might not be fighting about him going. In other news, this is shit. Again.

Voodoo #12: Voodoo escapes Lord Of The Rings by being taken into space by the Blackhawks, and then goes and lives in suburbia. Other Voodoo goes and lives in a cave, and will soon turn up in Grifter. Oh good.

Month 12: Rewriting physics

Batwoman #12: JH Williams is back concentrating on the artowrk again and, although the art doesn't actually look much like him (which is kind of weird) the layouts are an absolute delight. Not so much the story, which sort of continues the old plot (which was supposed to be done) but not really and crosses over with what appears to be the JLA Wonder Woman and not the Wonder Woman Wonder Woman. I don't feel any worse for reading it, whichis sometimes all I can hope for from DC these days.

Brids of Prey #12: Ummm, when did Black Canary get standards again? She gets all snotty with Poison Ivy because "I said no kiliing". YOUR TEAM-MATES ARE A WOMAN WITH A GUN AND A WOMAN WITH A SWORD (not a Liefeld sword). You know, with an offensive strategy like that there's going to be a number of corpses along the way and indeed there have been SINCE #1. But when OOPS SPOILERS Katana apperently kills Ivy at the end, she barely even gets a telling off. WAY TO PLAY TEACHER'S PET, Dinah.

Blue Beetle #12: Paco is safe after being turned into Blood Beetle (dunno, another evil alium from the beginning of time or something because BB stabbed him through the chest the other week). You want to know how? Really? Are you sure? OK. BECAUSE BB'S SUIT ASKS HIM WWJD. Put this book out of its misery.

Captain Atom #12: Oh god, I can't do this any more. Human Captain Atom has buttsex on the couch with One Hand Captain Atom (IDNSH Trucker Hat) before she gets upset because her other boyfriend - that's the one she had dinner with ONCE, when Human Captain Atom was watching them through the window - has sent her a couple of texts so RUN to the base. Where Human Captain Atom merges with Captain Atom and unwrites the last issue. Then decides he's not human so needs to go and live on the moon. OH WAIT, along the way JT Krul explains the Big Bang Theory. No, really. You know how Dave Sim did it and everybody called him barking? This is even more mental - The Big Bang is just a reboot of the universe, destroying the previous universe in its path AND IF YOU TRAVEL AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT YOU CAN WATCH IT DESTROY THE OLD UNIVERSE. Once you've travelled fast and far enough to get to the edge of it obviously, which by definition must be faster than light. Words fail me. Only #0 to go though.

Catwoman #12: Some dolls get smashed, there's a couple of double crosses and Selina's latino fuckbuddy gets shot. Here's a basic tip in comocs writing though - if you reveal in the text and in vision in the same panel who the bad guy on the other end of the phone is, it just doesn't work. I know you saw it in that Bruce Willis film that time, but trust me it doesn't work when the pictures aren't moving. Apart from that, this is a typical uninspired issue. Not awful, but not any good.

DC Presents #12: Kid Flash fights Hyper-evolved dinosaurs in New York. Well, I say fight, he tries to charm one of them by buying her egg foo yung. Kid Flash is the best thing about Titans and he's great here too - a wisecracking prickly teen like nobody else is writing. Why can't more books be like this?

GLC #12: WHO CARES. But for those of you that do, the Not Manhunter that Guy and John made from bits of leftover manhunter in the last one fails to beat the Alpha Lanterns, but then it turns out that Guy and John have always had the ability to remove thier power batteries, so they commit suicide. The Guardians don't care, because they're too busy thinking about the Third Army. But it looks like they're going to kill Guy in any case, which would make sense for Baz turning up because they're not going to replace John with him now, are they? I sometimes wish I was more into the whole GL thing, then I slap myself round the face and wise up.

Green Lantern #12: And talking of which, blah blah Black Lantern blah blah Blackest Night blah blah Third Army blah blah Yellow Battery blah blah blah. This is so dull that Black Lantern stops and has a wank in an attempt to liven things up.

LoSH #12: A slugfest of an issue, but at least Bouncing Boy gets his moment in the sun. It's billed as the "final" battle with the Dominators, but I'll lay CASH MONEY that won't be true. Still for fanboys only though.

Nightwing #12: Policemen trapped in the Gotham sewers after an explosion? Seriously? Does nobody at DC take a corporate view of their product? So, in a COMPLETELY UNFORSEEABLE turn of events it seems that the Penguin is that bad guy in this as well, which could be heading us for another second tier Bat-crossover. HOLY MARKETING, BATMAN!

Red Hood #12: Hooray! A 50 Shades reference! Which makes no sense, as our heroes have been in space since it became a thing which leads us then to the Secret Origin of Arsenal. Roy must be Twilight fanfic guy. I would never have guessed. I'm quite enjoying this as a campy space opera, even if it is a bit hard to follow at times because of the daft names and it does feature The Blight who (presumably are the Tamaran version of The Rot. Or it could just be coincidence.

Supergirl #12: Kara's Fortress Of Solitude turns up under the ocean, having been built in secret by the bad guy from the first couple of issues (last seen in bits in space and being held together with jelly). She doesn't trust Superman any more either because he's not a real Kryptonian according to her, which smacks of Nationalism slightly. I never thought I'd be hankering for the byrne-isms already. A Superbook too far.

Wonder Woman #12: Apollo decides to pretend to be Zeus and reform Olympus, exiling Hera to Earth and mortality. Hermes rescuse Zola from the fighting which is going on, and then steal her baby from under everybody's noses to form a pact with Demeter. BUT NEVER MIND ANY OF THAT, ORION OF NEW GENESIS IS BACK ON THE LAST PAGE. A great book in any case, but suddenly made awesome in four panels.