Month 13: Askit fights the miseries. And the misery is Geoff Johns.

Action #13: Other people have talked about getting off the GMoz bus after the way this book has gone, and after several months of just being unimpressed this drivel has me rapidly agreeing with them. The tale of Krypto has the trappings of We3 in places and although the Phantom Zone is reborn well the whole reason why the bad guy is dressed as a mummy apart from it being Hallowe'en is never explained or even questioned apart from OOH SPOOKY. What next? Jimmy Olsen as a Sexy Pirate? Add to this a Phantom Stranger which is entirely inconsistent with the New52 official version as established during zero month and you just have a mess. Poor old Solly Fisch's backup is even more desperate, the sort of thing a primary school kid would write if given the assignment to tell the story of a ghost dog. Thanks DC for letting me cut one of the books I was still buying. Although I'm not sure that's your intent.
Animal Man #13: I'm going to keep this simple. At least twice, Buddy asks the question we're thinking while reading. "Tell me this is... some alternate dimension or something". And he is reassured that no, this is the real Earth, this is the real Johnsiverse, The Flash, Supergirl, Batwoman, Hawkman (that we actively see) are all dead and consumed by The Rot. I repeat, this is really, asbsolutely definitely what happens to the Johnsiverse in a year's time and is not an alternate Earth or another dimension, or some time wrinkle or anything like that. I'm getting the popcorn, this is the clusterfuck to end them all.
Batwing #13: All Africans can do witch doctor magic. All African police are corrupt. Any Africans that can't do magic are Batwing or have magic swords and are also undercover policemen. Everybody in Africa is related. Oh Winickpaws.
Detective #13: BRUCE WAYNE'S PHILANTHROPY EXPLAINED! He only gives money to charity so that when he beats up thugs the money that gets spent on their medical help doesn't mean that more deserving victims get treatment because he makes sure there's enough cash to treat them all. OF COURSE. We next see him giving money for a Children's Wing. Just who exactly are these "criminals" he's "punishing", eh? FRED WERTHAM WAS RIGHT AFTER ALL. In the actual plot, the bad guys from Nightwing (who are also, it appears, the bad guys in the new Green Arrow TV series) are paid by the Penguin to kill Bruce Wayne as part of a plot to improve Cobblepot's public image. Yeah, I'm not sure exactly how that was supposed to work either. Oh, and there are no superheroes in the Johnsiverse Miami, according to the backup. Really? Not Aquaman then?
Dial H #5: More inspired weirdness even if, as Mieville deliberately acknowledges "it's just a bad pun". We get the partial resolution of the plot to date then the tease of more to come. I'm expecting one month to report that he's got it wrong, but it's not this month. I strongly suspect that a year will be the absolute limit it can get stretched out for, in which case it'll make the first truly essential trade of the modern era.
Earth 2 #5: Gays. You can't trust them not to betray you, eh? What do you mean that's not what I was supposed to think? Then what else were the last pages about? Actually, this is a perfectly adequate book even if the constant Golden Age refs do feel a bit "for the fans" rather than actually adding anything and overall it's telling exactly the same Rotworld/Black Hand story from the real Johnsiverse. It's just kind of pointless really.
GI Combat #5: With JT Krul gone and the Haunted Tank installed this book rises to the top level of this week's output. What initially seems like a bad case of Old Man Shouting At The TV turns into a pseudo-mystical romp featuring some of Howard Chaykin's best-looking work in years. Unknown Soldier is merely competent, but I still can't wait for next month. BRINGING BACK THE FUN.
Green Arrow #13: Ann Nocenti proves she's really Frank Miller with some anti-Chinese Dirty Commie bullshit that is otherwise impenetrable. "China's pride and ambition know no bounds." "I'm sorry Suzie Ming. You seem personally hurt by the history of your China." The whole thing is about China trying to cheat their way to technological advancement by stealing it from America and adds to the confusion by assuming all Asians are the same as we have women with swords and ghosts of ancestors talking to people (like our old friend Katana) and that ancient Chinese tradition of karaoke. Do these people really still live in the 80s? Party on duds!
Green Lantern #13: Geoff Johns fucks continuity a big one up the arse again on page one of this bollocks. You know how I described the problems of his carrying things over into GL:NG and how the proliferation of that story affects any number of other titles? Well, in panel 3 he says Kyle Rayner became a Green Lantern two years ago. So, GL:NG took place two years ago. In which case, so did GL #12. WAIT A MINNIT, WHO BROUGHT US ONE YEAR LATER? Only this time it's through an accident... And Obama is president. So, to be clear, Justice League #1 happened when Shrub was Pres. Yes? If I go back and read that again it'll confirm it? Bush set up Team 7 with Waller in charge, yes? Oh, and Baz is from MIAMI. Who are the editors again? The Mosque have banned the family of somone involvd in terrorism and so have his sister's work DO YOU SEE? The Third Army are looking for Mr Baz. Even if that makes him sound like one of Basil Brush's handlers. As are the Justice League. OOOOOOOOOOOH WHO GIVES A FUCK.
Stormwatch #13: Peter Milligan is a fucking idiot. He manages to make the introduction of Etrigan a chore, which is ever so slightly A GIANT FUCKING MISTAKE. I love Etrigan and you're not treating him very well. With JT Krul and Rob gone, I think Pete is the worst writer on the books. Which would worry anybody if it wasn't Geoff Johns writing the cheques. I hate all of this.
Swamp Thing #13: As in Animal Man, the Johnsiverse is destroyed a year in the future. Or is that a year in the past depending on what books you believe? This cannot end well. Is there really a plan behind this? REALLY?
World's Finest #5: At least we're finish with some intentional light relief. No, we're not. In a stroke of genius, DiDio has cancelled the one part of this book that was actually good and so instead we get a ho-hum villain-of-the-week Huntress and power Girl story which improves my life not one jot.
Two readable books out of 12 does not predispose me to continuing this, I have to say.

Johnsiverse Year One: Many things could be improved by the inclusion of Miller or Mazzucchelli

So, DC have got to the end of their first year of rebooted titles. * And, remarkably, I haven't flown to the States and killed any of them yet. But how has the year actually been?

Winners

There have undoubtedly been some success stories. Wonder Woman and Flash have never put a foot wrong and are rightly the jewels in the crown of the DCU. Dial H turned up partway through and, for me, blew everything else away but China Mieville is possibly an acquired taste and it remains to be seen whether his first foray into comics can keep up the blistering pace it has set. Scott Snyder has written some of the best bat-books in recent memory but the multitude of bat-titles can arguably seem like it swamps his efforts. Grant M has restarted the Batman book he was doing before the jump and his run on Action has been mixed to say the least, as it was originally supposed to be a 6 issue run that has inexplicably been extended to 16 without (it sometimes feels) writing much new material to increase the volume. The 'Dark' line has been fairly solid with some real highs (Scott Snyder again, with his reworking of familiar material on Swamp Thing) amid some plodders (Jeff Lemire's Frankenstein has never risen above being a But the biggest winner in my opinion has been All Star Western. Those of us who were reading Jonah Hex beforehand always knew it was a good solid book but the renewed interest has stayed with it and after the first stage drop off it shared with everything else the numbers have solidifed and it looks nowhere near cancellation - which it definitely was before the reboot. 

The other obvious winners are some of the writers and artists, not forgetting the editors, who have taken a working wage under false pretences. The return of Rob L is merely baffling, even if threatening to turn over half the line to him is one of the more bizarre decisions in DC history, but heading this class is JT Krul. He is, simply, the most inept writer I have ever come across. Even more strangely, after being kicked off Green Arrow remarkably quickly he was then given another book as a replacement. Does he have photos of Johns and DiDio doing the unmentionable? 

Seriously, is this the face of a man you could trust?

Losers

The list of dreadful titles is sufficiently long that the biggest loser is the fan. Sticking with this has been an absolute test of endurance, as the unrelenting tide of wasted paper just keeps coming week after week. And beyond the stuff which is outright bad, there's a long, long queue of the mediocre, the underdeveloped and the shoddy. And for all there are idiots like me, the regular guy doesn't have the time, the patience or the money to pick through the bones of it all to try and find the material worth spending time and money on. Thanks to the way Diamond operate these days, and DC's rigid weekly schedule, you can't wait until the reviews are out to decide - or rather your Local Comic Shop can't wait to decide - so there is every chance the titles will get missed. Miss one issue, maybe you can pick it up online. Miss two, maybe you can wait for the trade. Miss three, you won't bother. It's this failure to connect with, or seem like they care about, their core income stream that's DC's biggest sin during this process and it feels like the one which will eventually see the end of their print arm.

The fan also wasn't helped by the sexism controversy in month 1. Red Hood was certainly penalised for a shockingly sexist effort by never really recovering despite becoming DC's closest comparator to Deadpool. Catwoman and Red Lantern featured cheesecake shot after cheesecake shot, although it was inconceivable anyone was buying it for the writing. Although pretty much driven out now, the scandal was either a publicity stunt which backfired or a poor editorial decision which nobody was punished for. 

The more esoteric loser, and the most surprising one given the motivation for the introduction of the Johnsiverse, is continuity. Let me explain:

Once upon a time there were just comics. They all ran along down their own little furrow, sometimes crossing over and sometimes in team books. Eventually, to do away with books getting characters wrong and to revisit previous origins, we ended up with a multiverse. Different Supermen, with their different origins, all existed on different worlds. There was a place where Jay Garrick was still the Flash. Woozy Winks was still being protected by Mother Nature. In the 80s DC decided it was all getting a bit silly and  through the Crisis merged all the Earths into one, with a single history. The history was so complicated it had its own series and the characters were all explained in yet another series just so there was no confusion. It seemed like a lot of work but it was THOUGHT THROUGH and PLANNED. Despite this, it needed Zero Hour ten years later to work through all the timing issues that existed, but at least it was done and everyone could go forward together. Some different universes still existed but these were different publishing arms and might feature (as in Stormwatch) analogues of DCU heroes.

Then in a fit of rape, tiny footprints, mindwiping and a company-wide brainfart Goeff Johns became the most important writer at DC. In order to tell an event story he wanted to the single universe became untenable, ending up with SUPERBOY PUNCHING THE UNIVERSE and restoring the Multiverse. I strongly remember trying to explain the concept to comics-literate friends at the time and it making the veins in his head stand out as he tried to parse it. Johns then upped it and told the Barry Allen story he had him brought back for. Which meant the DC universe had to go back to a single universe rebooted again, where we are now. (Yes, you read that right. Johns wrote a plot that meant the multiverse existed then destroyed it again. In 5 YEARS. It kind of puts RTD's bringing back the Time Lords just to destroy them in perspective, because at least RTD wasn't playing toys with THE ENTIRE BUSINESS MODEL.)

It's caused nothing but problems. They want the condensed Bat-history, but it has to have all the Robins within 5 years. Several titles have rebooted already during the year. Books are contradicted by other titles published, sometimes in the same week, or in one example by the Who's Who entry in the back of the very same issue. Something can get written in Teen Titans #1, edited out in the trade, explained away by Scott Lobdell at SDCC, and then contradicted AGAIN by Scott Lobdell in Titans #0. The issues on any given month are supposed to happen concurrently but (to pick one example) the majority of Green Lantern: New Guardians happens between two issues of Red Lanterns, which it then turns out must have taken place before Red Lanterns #2 which it can't have done because of the way Bleez is portrayed. Johns loves his Green Lantern history so much that everything he did before Flashpoint (Blackest Day, Brightest Night, How The Orange Lantern Stole Christmas) were never undone or rebooted so Green Lantern still takes place in the original universe. Green Lantern: New Guardians doesn't, because Kyle Rayner becomes a new GL in #1. Except it is eventually shown to be in the same unverse after all, explicitly in GL:NG #0 when Carol Ferris shows up and it crosses over directly with GL #12 and GL #0. And it did before when Larfleeze turned up. So that must mean Red Lanterns is also in non-New 52 continuity as Bleez is in it. Which means Stormwatch isn't in New 52 continuity because it crossed over with Red Lanterns. Which means Justice League can't be, because Martian Manhunter got asked to join them. And Voodoo, Grifter, Superman can't be because of the Daemonites. That's how quickly it all unravels, which is nearly as quickly as people's enthusiasm for it evaporates.

One of these men is not a good comics writer. CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE?

* I am excluding Zero Month from this. It was, frankly, an unmitigated disaster. It pointlessly disrupted some plotlines and cliffhangers, retold some origins adding nothing to the experience - literally in the case of Rob L's work on the Deathstroke origin which was cribbed almost from start to finish from the origin in Titans; art and dialogue alike - except frustration at the waste of everyone's time, ignored the whole sorry mess and just continued the main plot, or published material for cancelled books (presumably to meet contractual obligations). Oh, and ruining Phantom Stranger forever. 

Month 0: One good book and it contradicts the head writer

All Star Western #0: Hex gets drunk and tells his life in flashes to Arkham and Jekyll's mate. A handy reminder for people who jumped on in the Johnsiverse, it probably isn't worth your time if I'm honest but it's the first time Gray and Palmiotti have told the story so I guess some of us would say it is. Certainly those of us who have been with it since they started working on it would say so.
Aquaman #0: We find out how Aquaman was conceived, born and raised but in a typical Johnsian move it's drenched in blood - not least when he's nearly eaten by a shark before he learns he can talk to it. At the end it takes us with him to Atlantis. So are we sticking with the origin for a while since Johns' run has shown us Arthur destroys it? Or is it going to be just another origin loose end waiting for him to tell it elsewhere? GJ makes my head hurt in a bad way. I really enjoyed the first couple of issues of this book, but the more Johns-y it gets the more unreadable it is.
Batman Inc #0: OK, so this book confirms that the previous Batman Inc book didn't happen and that Bruce started this Batman Inc some time after Damian became Robin (but presumably not long after). That's OK though, because it lets GMoz tell the story again which he does with aplomb and arguably better (certainly more compactly) than he did last time. A thoroughly good read but perhaps unfortunately one which is best undertaken already knowing who all the characters being introduced for the first time are. That can't be a normal expectatio after a reboot, surely?
Batman The Dark Knight #0: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NOT ANOTHER BATMAN ORIGIN THIS MONTH. This one, at least goes back to Crime Alley and the shooting of Thomas and Martha which MUST be a giant conspiracy because the two bestest people that ever lived ever EVARR couldn't have just been randomly shot. Except they were. Ultimately this is Batmang Year One in 20 pages but with more conspiracy emo bollocks, plus we find out that Batman knew about teh Court of Owls before he was even Batman which contradicts Scott Snyder's whole OWLS arc. An editor! An editor! My kingdom for an editor!
I Vampire #0: Andrew gets turned into a vampire by Cain himself, which is how he gets to be such a GRATE FANTASTIC GUY in about #5. A bunch of pretentious twaddle telling a story going nowhere, which ends with a whole page of quoted Shakespeare. It's very pretty, as ever, but I want the comedy back. Nul point.
Justice League Dark #0: And with a wink, all of Alan Moore's characterisation and all of Hellblazer is gone. Constantine became who he is in idol worship over a guy who showed up in JLD#12, and because the pair of them and Zatanna were in an episode of Charmed. An insult to anyone who's been reading DC and/or Vertigo books for any length of time.
Red Lanterns #0: Atrocitus becomes Atrocitus after his daughter fronts up to a Manhunter who then decides to eliminate the whole planet because someone jaywalks. Atrocitus decides he wants to fuck the space creature who looks like three or four octopodes welded and the fact that he feels love proves that he doesn't and could never have felt love or something and is therefore shown to always have been a creature of pure rage. As a result Bleez, the goat faced one and Bouncing Rage Boy turn up in the last page. Presumably someone, somewhere thought this was good. Someone other than Pete Milligan, I mean.
Hawkman #0: WTF dude? Has Rob not been reading Hawkman, including the issues HE WROTE HIMSELF? This is all about Katar Hol, who it looks like from this issue onwards is going to become the Hawkman of the Johnsiverse. Did the previous 12 issues not happen or what? Not a soft reboot, this is a hard reboot. Has Rob done this out of spite and nobody checked up on it?
Supergirl #0: These are the events on Krypton leading up to the Johnsiverse Supergirl #1. Do you ever think it diminishes the story of Kal-el, specifically how everybody supposedly though Jor-el was mad for preparing for the end times, if lots of other Kryptonians thought the same thing and were preparing magical space ships to send their children too? Or how Kara leaves Krypton before Kal-el and is a teenager compared to his infancy, yet he is older than her on Earth? And what is the Johnsiverse Superboy doing on Krypton talking to Kara's mum? I don't understand who this is supposed to appeal to, if I'm honest.
Superman #0: And with a single bound, a story where Jor-el is thought mad by everyone because he says Krypton is about to explode. It's really pretty entertaining stuff, but doesn't add anything to the mythology that already exists. You don't need to read it, but it's diverting at least.
Talon #0: I'm split on this. It could go somewhere - Calvin Rose is basically the anti-Dick Grayson. He's a child performer at the Flying Graysons' circus who is taken away by a rich benefactor and taught to be a better acrobat, how to fight yadda yadda yadda but it turns out the OWLS were training him. And now he's decided to split from them and will fight crime (probably) and the OWLS are after him. On the other hand: 1) we don't really need another Robin 2) The battyverse is pretty full and I'm not sure we need another hero 3) Talon being good enough to escape the OWLS maze without breaking sweat sort of implies he's better than Batman and weakens the impact of Scott Snyder's OWLS plot and 4) If, as Nightwang has told us Dick was some kind of chosen one and the whole circus thing was to make him a fighter doesn't that make Talon a kind of failed experiment? Conflicted but still potentially interested, I guess.
Teen Titans #0: Ummm... wut? The editorially changed version of the first Titans collection says this didn't happen. I guess that proves that Scott Lobdell didn't approve the edit. This is a decent enough telling of the Tim Drake story but I have no idea what DC are playing at at this point. Hang on. To remind myself of the story it seems Scott Lobdell himself announced at SDCC that Tim Drake had never been Robin. We are not at war with Oceania, we have never been at war with Oceania.
Flash #0: BIFF! BANG! POW! Take that Geoff Johns! Flashpoint is erased from the Johnsiverse! (which is odd, as it's what caused the Johnsiverse) As ever, the Flash can be relied on to thoroughly entertain and is easily orders of magnitude better than anything else this week. Nothing else is worth your money. Can we have some more Silver Age style stuff next? Maybe a new take on this?

Ta.
Firestorm #0: After #12 killed off all the Firestorms, #0 retells #1 set after #12. Seriously, same villain, the works. Throw in a couple of flashbacks to Firestorm #1-12 and you have the laziest issue published all month. Yes, even lazier than Rob L trying to pass off all that Perez/Wolfman Deathstroke material as his own. Jesus, that's lazy.
Voodoo #0: And so we close the month out with an origin of a cancelled title. Seems somehow appropriate. Completely irrelevant, but possibly needs to be told since Voodoo is apparently going to ake over the Grifter book. Why not call it Wildstorm and be done with it? I bet nobody's ever done that before... I sort of like this book, but I don't understand what it's FOR and accordingly couldn't recommend it to anyone who hasn't read the first 12 and isn't intending reading Grifter. So that'll be none of you then.

Month 0: The first time I've been close to quitting

Batwoman #0: Kate's childhood and path to becoming Batwoman told in a momentary flashback during the death of Beth in one of the previous issues. It's entertaining enough, if very wordy (which in itself is one fo the inherent problems because, well, there's a more pressing reason for buying JH Williams books) but it just feels desperately unoriginal. It's a story I feel like I've read 1000 times before and don't feel I need to read again at the end of the day. Blah blah overbearing military father blah blah badly chosen life partners blah blah substance abuse - how is it different from Roy Harper's story, for example? Inessential.
Birds Of Prey #0: Welcome back, our old friend CONTINUITY. So, the Penguin's floating ice casino - WHICH ONLY APPEARED IN GOTHAM AFTER THE JOHNSIVERSE STARTED (which is why we saw the gala opening) - was around before the Johnsiverse started and was sufficiently famous for both Black Canary and Batgirl to investigate independently. So we understand why Dinah and Babs are mates, but how does Eve/Starling fit into the picture? Oh aye, she was put on the not-yet-invented floating casino by Amanda Waller to infiltrate it and break it up (so that's now THREE separate strands of investigation into something that doesn't exist yet) and is staying with Dinah because Waller tells her to. Presumably because of some unfinished Team 7 business. A team which, let's not forget, according to Suicide Squad #0 Waller left voluntarily but on relatively good terms and according to Team 7 #0 worked well. Even the Who's Who chapter at the bank doesn't illuminate, it just says Team 7 broke up mysteriously. Although it didn't, if you read Suicide Squad #0. Retconning things after ONE YEAR either shows you don't have any control over it or the whole thing was just an excuse to pay Rob Liefeld millions. Neither are very satisfactory explanations, I have to say.
Blue Beetle #0: My head hurts. Abandoning (to a large extentcontradicting) the backstory from the first 12 issues of the title concerning the Reach and how they were the BAD VILLAINS FROM BEFORE TIME WHO WERE ALWAYS MORTALLY ENEMIES WITH THE LANTERNS we find out instead that Jaime's scarab was instead a prototype weapon created by the people in the Reach which DESPITE BEING A COMPLETE FAILURE (unless you can think of a different way to describe how you can be rejected by your first choice of host - although to be fair it is a very young Lady Styx - and then spend ALL the rest of your time on the cosmic backwater of Earth, being lost for large chunks of it; in fact the first host you ever found seems to be in pre-Colombian Central America) goes completely into production as a MASSIVE EVIL WEAPON... well, words fail me. Anyway, it turns out OMAC teleported Blue Beetle to reach space at the end of the JLI annual, which was handy. They're all after him there for being a traitor. Which is odd as THIS VERY ISSUE it's clear this scarab what a prototype which still, for no identifiable reason, proved the concept and led to all the other scarabs. Despite having been only used once. HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE EMPLOYED?
Captain Atom #0: STOP GIVING JT KRUL MONEY. Nat Adam is a kind of flakey and unreliable test pilot for the military. So, not Hal Jordan then. He gets picked to fly a spaceship into another dimension despite the fact it doesn't move, yet everyone seems surprised and the mission must be a failure and he must be dead when it does exactly what it's supposed to. The dimensional transfer spunks out a bit of blue goo which Dr Manhattans itself into Captain Atom. He then gives a Mitt Romney speech about how the US military are so underfunded compared to their enemies and floats above the world as God. This is not, despite the way it sounds, the worst issue of Captain Atom but that particular bar isn't set very high.
Catwoman #0: Is it normal to have your job explained to you for the first time a year after you start work? Thought not. Anyway, Selina became a thief because a boy caught her out lying to him in a bar. There's a hamfisted attempt to establish a SUPER SECRET RUSSIAN PAST and that Selina Kyle is wiped from history and doesn't exist. Contradicting the first year of the book. Zero month isn't really much of a success, is it?
DCU Presents #0: HOW DOES A ROTATING STORY BOOK HAVE AN ORIGIN? Why not just tell the origin story of 5 books that are already cancelled? As pointless an exercise as that sounds. Tell you what, why not add a Who's Who page for OMAC that ignore the JLI annual (despite explicitly mentioning it) and says he's still a happy part of them. That's bound to make things better. Or a "before the Nu52" story that takes place during the first JL plot (probably after #4). Inept.
GL:NG #0: In origin month, NOT AN ORIGIN ISSUE. Following GL:NG #12 they have all broken up, so Kyle and Carol Ferris team up to kill some Black Hand zombies. During this they find out that Hal is dead (from GL #12/#0 or something) and we get a minor smidgeon more of the Guardians plans. But only a little bit, mind.
Justice League #0: CONTAINS NO ACTUAL JUSTICE LEAGUE. Geoff Johns' Shazam is a dick and reflects his world weary schtick in that Billy just wants to use his powers to make money. We get a Pandora backup story which links into Phantom Stranger #0 and undoes a lot of it, and a single page which introduces the Johnsiverse Question who it turns out is Rorscach. That went full circle then, huh? I hate you Geoff. Why don't you just fuck off and play in your own little GL universe where only you and your mates read comics and leave the memory of CC Beck alone? Why couldn't they have given Jeff Smith the gig? He nailed it. I despair.
LoSH #0: A summary. Braniac becomes part of the Legion. After he has become part of the Legion in a different untold story, which he may or may not remember. Inexplicably, this is still the best book so far this week. Which says more about the rest than it does about this, if I'm honest.
Nightwing #0: Despite the fact that all the way up to OWLS was explaining how Dick was the chosen one since whenever to challenge the Waynes, this is not actually mentioned until the Who's Who page. Instead, we get the yet another retelling of the Robin origin which is pretty much exactly the same as the previous ones with the exception of letting us know we should play cards with Bruce because he has a tell like you wouldn't believe. Which does raise the question why more people haven't worked out who Batman is. Overall OK, but not necessary.
Red Hood #0: Was the Joker the hand that shaped the events that made Bruce choose Jason Todd before? I don't think he was, which makes this a Nu52 #0 rarity - a story that actually tells something new. Anyway, A Death In The Family is Nu52 canon. That's all. (PS This is pretty good)
Sword of Sorcery #0: Amethyst saves a girl from the 50s from being raped by a group of jocks then is transported to Gemworld (or whatever it's called) by her mother the second she turn 17. (Amy, not her mother. That would be really weird.) She then shows us all her mommy issues before John Constantine steals her jewel in the real world while she isn't looking. Presumably that means she's trapped there. DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Beowulf wants to be like Northlanders (with it even being advertised in the back despite no link) and takes place in a near-ish future which has regressed to the Dark Ages. It could actually be a pretty good story but I ssupect it will take a number of months to work out whether it is or not.
Wonder Woman #0: A near-perfect Silver Age pastiche, which thinks it's from the Golden or maybe the Pulp age. Whatever, a joy from beginning to end and makes the whole Zero Month idea worthwhile. Probably the only thing I'd recommend you all read this week, as long as you like Silver Age comics.

Month 0: Seriously. I could edit and I don't have anything better to do right now.

Batgirl #0: In a textbook case of MISSING THE POINT, Gail Simone uses an origin issue to side-step the story that still has to be told (how Babs got her groove back after The Killing Joke) and instead gives us a story about how she first put on a Bat-suit. Skirting past the obvious new continuity problems the script causes (so James Jr now knows she's Batgirl, right?), this is just an indulgent episode of Gail's teen-feminism schtick - the bad guy who forces her into the suit for the first time may or may not be exploiting Eastern European teenage girls into prostitution and/or murder (I say may not as he's rescued by a group of young girls who seem in his thrall, because as we know in Gail's universe only women have the ability to be real characters in the plot), Babs puts on the suit because she has to protect her little brother because she's the 'woman of the house' since their dad left, Babs is secretly in love with her dad, Babs uses her feminine wiles to get to see things she shouldn't be able to because she is naturally more clever than everything else because they're only men DO YOU SEE. It's utterly wearying and it's a blessed relief when the last page turns up. Even if it does tease The Killing Joke. Then the Who's Who page directly contradicts what we've just seen. How much do DC's editors get paid?
Batman #0: Basically, a rooftop conversation between Bruce and Gordon where Gordon lets him know he thinks he's the new vigilante running about. But it's definitely much more - the Red Hood bank job is clearly a nod back to the original, and may link into a Joker origin in coming months. Snyder has talked/trailed something that could be a Death In The Family reboot so it makes sense that he would build it from the ground up. A good, solid filler then with a backup story that basically gives us the origins of all the Johnsiverse Robins in 6 pages. Compact and efficient storytelling definitely has a place in the New DC and more writers could learn from this short piece.
Batman & Robin #0: I guess this is just a retelling of GMoz's version of Damian's childhood with Talia, but you know what the problem is with this? This image:

Cute, yes, but if he's 10 at the time he meets Batman (on the final page) and he's about 2 or 3 in that picture then Talia had a Batman suit at least three years BEFORE BRUCE BECAME BATMAN. Sort it out, please. Somebody?
Deathstroke #0: The first thing we can gather from this is that Rob's seen Captain America: The First Avenger because he's ripped off the plot totally for this. Although the US Army hasn't changed between WWII and whenever this is supposed to be set (although it actually does refer to WWII, so maybe they're all time travellers as well). I love the idea that someone tries to kill Deathstroke's wife and son and this sole act (despite the fact she knows what he does for a living, and was in the Army, and was a key part of running the super-soldier programme and Team 7, and trained Deathstroke in the first place although "birthing two children had slowed me down") is enough for the two of them to become anti-Deathstroke super-villains. But where Rob really pulls it out of the bag here is with his artwork. I could paste almost every page, but let's look at some of the best ever versions of the best ever Rob tropes:

Can anybody work out where this woman's hips are?

It's a mutant baby! Look at the shape of it's head! (Actually, there is other visual evidence on the same page that Rob's model was Uatu The Watcher.)

A gun with no trigger. Or, as we call it, a stick.

Weird torso lines, stretchy groin, heroic poses, what Rob thinks US Army issued boots look like.

Gun with trigger but missing fingers. Swords, pouches, bad feet. Oh, and a missing leg.

Someone being shot by said gun. Which is where? Deathstroke's hands are nearly through the guy's back, never mind the gun.

Heroic floating and/or invisible platform.

Deathstroke's cameltoe bends the rules of perspective.

Where to start. Extra finger, no gun butt, no sense of how projectile weapons work.
INVISIBLE MOTORBIKE.
I'd love to think this is a big fuck you from Rob to DiDio. But the real truth is he's been able to become a millionaire and draws as badly as this. A lesson for all of us.
Demon Knights #0: Hmm. Etrigan was now one of the great demons of Hell, who basically only got that way because Lucifer took the piss out of his speech impediment. Well, that's a retelling and a half. Still, it's well written and consistent with the book as it's written in the Johnsiverse. Which makes it head and shoulders above most of the rest of this shite.
Frankenstein #0: Frankenstein is explained as the actual Frankenstein's monster from the book, only with Victor as a LoEG type chap and some Aztec/Mayan type Amazon Indians having told him the secret to being alive. That makes it all so much better then, doesn't it. Or at least it does when you punch it. That's makes everything great.
GLC #0: Guy Gardner got picked as a Green Lantern because he's a dick, it appears. Did we really need 20 pages of comics to tell us that? Plus he has daddy issues. Like everyone else in the Johnsiverse. Still, his jacket shows he's a rebel and a biker. No, really, he willed it into being solely for that reason. Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it?
Grifter #0: VERY NEARLY CONTENT-FREE. A couple of panels per page very nearly tells the story of how Grifter forgot he was Daemonite Jesus and ended up in #1. I say nearly, because this wins the award of laziest book Rob Liefeld ever did for DC. And that's some claim.
Legion Lost #0: Timber Wolf's origin is the same as it was before. So this is 20 pages of telling a story we've heard before. Which probably makes sense as the origin of Legion Lost was in #1 and retelling the same story within a year is probably taking the piss slightly too much. Although that hasn't stopped Rob L.
Resurrection Man #0: THE END. It turns out Deathstroke did it. (Not really, it turns out that like in Doctor Who there was a spare arm that had the same sort of healing abilities as the main body and then ended up becoming a thing all of its own - although in this case it had actual magic powers and a whole different personality). A magic demon turns up and kills bad Mitch then transports good mitch to a detective's office where he can work with some other people from the SUPER SECRET BASE as detectives in the future if it ever gets renewed. Unlikely as that seems.
Suicide Squad #0: Contains no actual Suicide Squad content. The story of how The Wall left Team 7, which somehow (with no explanation) gives her the inspiration to start the Squad. It's competently enough written (although the differing height of her top means there is often BEWB/NO BEWB contradiction between panels on the same page) but not what it's supposed to be.
Superboy #0: Since the origin of this Superboy was told over the first three or four issues of the series, so instead we get a story about how Kryptonians were always building clones to do their domestic work and they revolted so it isn't really surprising that this one (being the first Kryptonian/human hybrid) was born with Universe-punching tendencies. And he has a big secret about who the human DNA has come from, but OH NOES THEY GUY WHO IS TELLING HIM IS DEADED! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we've run out of plot so let's reprint some of the stuff from the first 4 books to pad it out. Despite this, a pretty engaging and fun read.
Team 7 #0: Having had their living story told in Deathstroke #0 and Suicide Squad #0, we now get their founding story. In short, they were set up as DC's version of The Boys at the time of Justice League #1 or thereabouts. We can tell this for two reasons - there's an image of Superman in costume which makes it post-Action, and there's a helpful caption which tells us it's 5 years ago. I'm sure it's not going to be like The Boys, but it has an identical concept. But that isn't the problem. The problem is the people who are in Team 7. We get Waller and Deathstroke. We get Grifter, the old Justice Society Black Canary (plus the guy who she must get married to between this and the start of Birds of Prey) and three new characters. The fittest and best of these, who is stronger and fitter than anyone else in Team 7 according to the dialogue, will be the one that ends up in a mecha suit. Obviously. But that isn't my biggest problem with the title. Which is that Fairchild's dad is there as well, and makes
reference to the fact she wants to be a doctor but is clearly a child from the way he talks about her. So how does she manage to become a successful doctor in charge of a secret programme in five short years? Really, who knows. We've had a time-travelling bat cloak already this month.
Ravagers #0: Or, how Beast Boy and Terra came to be in the Johnsiverse. Fairly predictably, it turns out they were genetic experiments by Harvest - the bad guy we've already forgotten about from The Culling, which we've already forgotten about as well - and the success of these two give him the idea for the whole of his Ravagers/Culling thing. But somewhat inevitably it turns out all his genetic tinkering did was awoke Beast Boy's connection with The Red which means he is an avatar of sorts. STOP IT. RIGHT NOW. This contradicts everything you've just told us in Animal Man, and also means if this doesn't cross over into Rot World (which it doesn't) that neither The Red or The Rot are very attentive. Although probably moreso than DC editors. I mean the Who's Who bit at the end has Fairchild as a doctor in N.O.W.H.E.R.E. at this point, meaning Team 7 #0 doesn't take place when it's supposed to do. MY KINGDOM FOR AN EDITOR.

Month 0: The worst week since the reboot. Seriously.

Action Comics #0: Very nice and all, but am I alone in thinking this is utterly pointless? We get the story of Superman's t-shirts (told a couple of issues ago in the Solly Fisch backup), the story of Clark's landlady and Mxyzptlk (told in the main feature last month) and an inconsequential little story about the cape maybe having some of the powers in it rather than in Supes. Throw in an admission by Clark to Jimmy that he only started working at the Planet to get close to Lois and a throwaway couple of panels giving the SHOCKING SECRET ORIGIN OF NU-JIMMY OLSEN. The backup is just confusing. It tells an old story of the threat which was fully explained in the main title over the past couple of months. Does that mean Adam is coming back? Is the Planet Cuckoo plot ongoing because, you know, it seemed kind of final and closed? How does this square with GMoz going in a couple of months? GET ME AN EDITOR FOR THE WHOLE LINE.
Animal Man #0: Right, in short the plot is this: Arcane/The Rot are too powerful and Kill Animal Man/the Red Avatar. The Red discuss things and know Maxine is supposed to be the new avatar (even though she isn't conceived at that point) so send the GMoz aliens to operate on Buddy and make him a stop-gap. Ellen doesn't get to grips with the new Buddy, especially when she becomes pregnant with Maxine 6 months later. Arcane/The Rot then decide that although they know she's the real chosen one and it would be really easy to wipe her out as a foetus it's far more beneficial to allow her to live and be the centre of a crossover event which will make DC lots of money. Which for me raises this question - what are the GMoz aliens actually for and why do The Red have them if the only time they have used them is the one time they've been forced into botching a stop-gap avatar because their next one (who doesn't need operated on) doesn't exist yet? I feel like we need a "The Tailors" #0. But don't get ideas. I wouldn't buy it.
Batwing #0: You know what's handy about UNSPEAKABLE ACTS? You can't show them, or even talk about them because they are UNSPEAKABLE. This is somewhat of a drawback in an origin issue. Ultimately, David gets a thrill out of dressing up and beating up criminals. Part of this is because he was disgusted when a fellow police officer offered him a bribe at a crime scene. This didn't stop him from accepting it, or make him leave the police force, just made him dress up and be violent. Despite this, Bats likes him and gives him everything he wants. CONSORTING WITH CRIMINALS, EH BRUCE? He could probably have afforded to buy all the stuff with the cash he's creaming off during his day job. So what's he spending it on? Eh? EH? Inquiring minds want to know, Winick.
Detective #0: I am now completely confused as to who buys this shit. Oh wait, it's me, isn't it. Crap. In the first story, we learn how Bruce had all the emotion driven out of his heart in the Himalayan monastery, including having the girl he fancied murdered for money by her own family to prove that everyone is scum. In the second story he returns to Wayne Manor because he loves Alfred so much and immediately tells him everything about how he wants to be Batman. They obviously didn't teach discretion at the monastery.
Dial H #0: Awesome. What would happen if we had an ancient Eqyptian Dial H, complete with giant stone sun-dial dial and modern-era heroes. A women who can fly in her fairground dodgem car? CHECK, MOTHERFUCKER. And if an entertaining story wasn't enough, we actually get a bit more plot as to how the dials work and the consequences of using them. Top, top stuff.
Earth 2 #0: So, a past tale of the Justice League of Earth 2 prior to EVERYTHING that the Earth 2 book has been doing to date. And is going to be continued in Earth 2 #5. So, a reboot of the book then. Which came from a reboot (post-cancellation) of Mr Terrific. Who hasn't really featured in it since #1. Who is the secret Justice League member he isn't mentioning? Who cares.
GI Combat #0: The Unknown Soldier part of this is pretty good. We find out (possibly) that there have been Unknown Soldiers through history, providing a mystic dimension, or it could just all be a drug hallucination. Does the museum even exist? "You're really into this, aren't you?" says a crow. Yes, yes I am. Do you need me to tell you that the JT Krul segment is shite? "Couldn't rest. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep." COULDN'T WRITE, MORE LIKE.
Green Lantern #0: OH GOD, GEOFF JOHNS, JUST FUCKING STOP WITH THE SADFACE. Page 1, Panel 5. We get this image:

PANEL FUCKING 5. An Arab family in Michigan are watching 9/11. The next day, some people write 'Arabs go home' on their community centre. Five years later, a girl gets teased by some boys. In 2011, a guy gets searched in an airport. This turns Baz into a suicide bomber. BY PAGE 3. But by accident though, because he was only being a thief. This doesn't stop him getting Guantanamoed by people who doubt he's American because he doesn't have an American name. Despite the fact their names are Valdez and Fed (which is a common British surname, according to Johns). And Agent Fed is doing this BECAUSE HIS SON DIED IN 9/11. Stop, please. I can't decide whether this is the funniest thing I've ever read, or the craziest. I can't understand what Geoff Johns' point is. More to the point, I can't understand WHY THE FUCK A COMISSIONING EDITOR THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. In the end, he gets rescued from Waterboarding Death by Sinestro/Hal Jordan's ring after they went off into blackness at the end of the GL Annual. This is bound to end well, obviously.
Green Arrow #0: Judd Winick writes the 'playboy Ollie gets dumped on a deserted island and learns to shoot' story. In the Johnsiverse, playboy Ollie gets dumped on a deserted island and learns to shoot. It's as essential a read as that makes it sound.
Phantom Stranger #0: Ok. An origin issue for a title not being published. Which DC have always shied from telling the origin of, given that would remove all the mystery from a character whose only power is... mystery. Written by Dan DiDio. On about page 5 we get shown the three "greatest transgressors mankind has ever known". Hitler? Stalin? Pol Pot? Idi Amin? Ghengis Kahn? Vlad The Impaler? No. A ginger bloke who looks a bit like Guy Gardner, a woman in a cloak (who looks pretty much like Countdown woman) and the guy who becomes the Stranger (whose transgression is avarice causing him to betray his mate). He then pleads to the wizard to forgive him, like Jesus would have done. My head hurts. In the actual story, the Stranger thinks he can stop being the Stranger by turning Jim Corrigan into The Spectre. He does, but then the spooky voice goes back on his promise. CURSE YOU, SPOOKY VOICE! JESUS WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT (PROBABLY)!
Stormwatch #0: Oh you're kidding me. AT-ATs controlled by dolphins? Jenny Quantum is really the force behind Demon Knights? And then she became a nun so she could have sex with Merlin, because he only has sex with nuns. Then the Demon Knights fight the Daemonites, and are forced to change their name to avoid Dark Ages confusion over homophones. Unreadable, really.
Swamp Thing #0: Having slagged off the other books for retelling stories that didn't need retold, and shoehorning in crossovers, I am eating my words. Scott Snyder takes the well-worn story of how Alec Holland becomes the Swamp Thing and retells it changing only ONE detail (which I'm not going to spoil for you if you haven't read it). In doing so he links it into Rotworld and Animal Man #0 effortlessly and still tells a cracking story in the process. Victory from what should be, if you'd described it beforehand, the jaws of defeat.
World's Finest #0: Basically, how Helena and Kara meet on Earth 2. But ultimately this takes the bits I've been enjoying of World's Finest (the Levitz/Maguire bits) and gives us 20 pages of it. Which is nice. Good stuff, but inessential frippery really.

Month 12: Crisis of Infinite Sadface

Aquaman #12: Top work DC. Zero month means there is now a pointless origin issue between the two climactic issues of the plot. In short, Mera is still jealous and isn't shy about showing it. This makes Georgette of the Jungle furious and she sets her jaguars on anyone who speaks to her. Luckily one of them is Black Manta, who is able to fight them off. Unluckily the other is Doctor Shin, who is just an old Chinese bloke, after all. Luckily Vostock stops her. Unluckily this means he gets killed by Manta. Luckily that means Geoff Johns gets to have everyone stand around bleeding Superhero Sadface. Well, luckily for him. Not so much for the rest of us.
Justice League #12: Sadface Bad Guy has a pile of ghosts deny the Justice League their sadface by telling them how they're better off without them. And Steve Trevor is also there, contradicting Justice League Dark. OR IS HE, EH? The power of Sadface actually means he isn't really dead, which makes everyone else think their Sadface isn't real. This is bad for Sadface Bad Guy, but quite lucky for Wonder Woman and Superman because it makes them Super Horny. Diana has the small matter of being in a relationship with Steve in the way, but she resolves it pretty quickly by dumping him in his hospital bed. Ever the gentleman, Hal Jordan leaves Earth so the press can write about that instead. And if that makes sense to you, then you are Geoff Johns aicm£5.
Detective Comics Annual #1: An inconsequential story about a battle between the Mad Hatter and the Black Mask to be the chief mind control villain in Gotham. It's set in a circus, which diminishes the story as it's too close to the main Nightwing/Owls setting - unless we're supposed to think there are two cursed/evil/bad circuses in Gotham? In which case, no wonder their main villain is a clown... anyway, these 30-odd pages are very definition of contractual obligation. Don't waste your time.
Green Lantern Annual #1: Fifty pages later, I'm none the wiser. Two stories go on here: The GL plot with Black Hand concludes (of sorts) and/or the Guardians do some shit about the Third Army. In the first, Black Hand forces Hal to decide between seeing his dad again or having manhugs from Sinestro. He can't, so hits Black Hand on various headstones until his eye is hanging out; in which time Sinestro has turned up and they reacharound Hal's Lantern. Elsewhere in space, the Guardians let some other Guardians out of a big metal box in space where they've had them chained up for "billions of years". They have a big fight about whether the 'First Lantern' should be released. The plots then collide when the bad Guardians turn up and tell Black Hand he's their favourite, which makes Hal and Sinestro disappear in a swirl of Sadface. The Third Army seems to involve the Guardians covering people in their blue muck, until only their eyes are visible. Has Johns got a bukakke fetish or something? I don't know any more. THERE ARE ONLY 16 PARTS OF THE THIRD ARMY TO GO.
JLI Annual #1: In short, the SHOCKING CONCLUSION is that OMAC is still the same character he was at the beginning of his own title and is only there to get information for Brother Eye so he can destroy the JLI (presumably as part of his vendetta against Maxwell Lord). Booster turns OMAC back into Kevin, before staring down an alternate Booster that Rip Hunter has sent from another time stream to stop the Super Horniness from JL#12. Before he goes, OMAC depowers the Scarab suit and sends Blue Beetle back to The Reach, which you would think would have horrendous implications for that not-cancelled book set in NYC. If only the e-i-c of the Johnsiverse had had a hand in this to stop it. This book with a DiDioco-writing credit. Nothing happens in this that couldn't have been wrapped up in the JLI book, which implies the only reason for this annual was not to spoiler Super Horniness. Which the press had done, and DC's publicity material. It could be worse, I could have paid for this book.
Superman Anuual #1: Helspont punches Superman into the moon, where Grifter shows how much stronger and more powerful than Superman he is. Martian Manhunter gets beaten by a minor Daemonite and in doing so he refers to his role in Stormwatch #12. Which is AFTER he left the title. There's a scene with Stafire which takes place after "pretty much any issue of Red Hood". Which is tricky, since for the past 8 months it's been a space opera set around Tamaran. Seriously, am I the only guy bothering to read these comics? Scott Lobdell and Fabien Nicieza clearly aren't. To skip to the end, ignoring Hawkman getting beaten up for no plot-related reason, Helspont has had some sort of relationship with Jor-El before the destruction of Krypton, which makes Superman cry in space. This has been a Sadface-fuelled month and no mistake.
Flash Annual #1: It's explained where the Rogues got their enhanced powers and we get a great (if slightly old-fashioned) Rogues story. Which suits me, because the Rogues are one of the best backup casts in the DCU. THEN GORILLAS INVADE! And no sadface in sight! WHy aren't more DC books like this? Oh yes, BECAUSE OF THE JOHNS.