New 52 Month 15: With a whimper, not a bang

With some pieces of shit written by Geoff Johns, resulting in a slightly dirty feeling.
Or not. These are parts one and two of the third or fourth simultaneous crossovers going on (Third Army, Black Diamond, Death of the Family) in Throne of Atlantis so it seems unfair to tease with the beginning of something rather than the end. Needless to say, this is Geoff John's take on a Michael Bay film - don't worry about doing something big because you can do it bigger a couple of pages later and then REALLY FUCKING BIG at the end. Basically, everybody on the whole East coast of America is dead, apart from half a dozen people or so. Yeah. Get out of that.
And after those, the last two Johnsiverse books of 2012, I'm done with it. I can't keep on putting myself through it any more. At first it was a laugh, but I'm not sure whether my net appreciation of comics themselves wasn't suffering as a result. Who did DC think these were for and, more tellingly, who was actually buying some of this crap? Some of these were impenetrable to anybody with even the vaguest sense of plot, English or form YET PEOPLE RECEIVED MONEY FOR WRITING, DRAWING AND EDITING THEM. Editing has actually been my bugbear through the whole thing, as you may have gathered - Johnsiverse continuity existed, and didn't exist, in varying books, sometimes even in the same book and in the case of GL:NG THE SAME ISSUE. I know I seem like a continuity obsessive but that was the WHOLE damn point of the New 52. That post-Flashpoint, everything started again. We even got the hooded woman from Flashpoint in every #1 to ram the point home. Except Geoff Johns loved GL so much he couldn't give up any of the stuff he'd written before. Except when he was writing Hal in Justice League, because that was a different Hal to the one in GL. Add to that reboots within the first year, Captain Atom being God (and now isn't), keeping cancelled characters going in new books, the obsession with the Daemonites being the thing that makes the DCU work and ROB FUCKING LIEFELD and it just got too much. I hope I've at least amused over the course of this, because if not then it's been even more of a waste of my brain cells. I'd love to know what somebody like DiDio would think of the opinions of a normal reader instead of the usual Johns cheerleaders that must have been telling him how much everybody liked them, but some things are just beyond our ken. I wish I could say it's been fun, but for the most part it hasn't.
I'm drawing a line under doing Marvel NOW as well - it's a completely different proposition as pretty much all the books are just 20 pages which stand independently and don't have enough of a theme together to make it a thing. Plus, if I'm honest, I never really cared for Marvel. Sorry Stan.

New 52 Month 15: I might not do this next year

Batwoman #15: A completely nothing issue involving a vaguely Christmassy church scene about gun-toting vigilantes worshipping the Mother of All Children. Told as though Batwoman is watching it in a scrying glass, which probably is as much as you need to know.
Birds of Prey #15: Bye bye Katana. As a way of writing someone out of a book, it's 20 pages too long. As a readable comic it's 21 pages too long. The bomb, which the bloke who left never to return in the last issue having betrayed everyone and knocked out Dinah, rescues a bomb from a sewer and doesn't blow anyone up with it because Katana cuts it in half. Because everyone thinks that will make it blow up. Then the bad guys all just give up, and so the good guys let them all go off-panel. Terrible stuff, all told.
Blue Beetle #15: After the ENTIRELY UNCONNECTED COVER (which may well be meant for the next issue instead but ended up here by accident) we get some crappy Star Wars pastiche and some "Mexico is the worst/best place in the world" bollocks. As ever. Then the Mayan bloke turns up but is blown out of the bar by Galactic Talent Agents looking for BB to be be on the next series of Big Brother. The end can't come soon enough.
Catwoman #15: Catwoman's part in the current ONGOING Bat-crossover (which, let's not forget, the last issue was part of) is dispatched in a single line in the hurry to get to a different giant crossover. The rest is just some straight bullshit as Catwoam does 10 pages of just regular robbery shite then 10 pages of OOOH MYSTIC SHE MIGHT BE TOUCHED BY ECLIPSO OOOH stuff which involves her wearing a false nose and pretending to be a SEXEY scientist. In the end she cuddles up with a demon and the severed arm of a black Irishman. Not the best thing I've read.
DCU Presents #15: The final page says "to be concluded". Which is the best thing about this pile of Blue Devil getting-wrong crap. Seriously? Nebiros was ruined by Etrigan which means his favourite thing is to see Dan naked? Ugh.
Green Lantern #15: The Third Army is now a swarm the size of a planet. Baz thinks it was all just some kind of coincidence that the van he stole was FULL OF BOMBS and goes to apologise to the guy who it belonged to but stumbled into a plot that the likes of Baz from Four Lions would come up with. Sinestro and Hal walk about in black and white being the most awesomest Lanterns ever EVARR. It ends with the First Lantern, who it still isn't clear whether he's on the Guardians' side despite him being in a cell of their making. His name is Volthoom, which is the Johnsiest thing I can imagine this close to Christmas.
Green Lantern New Guardians #15: Continuity busted! Issue 1 took place two years before the rest of the DCU (except for the things that took place 5 years beforehand like Justice League and Action) which explains... nothing as it happens. Anyway, Kyle and the Third Army are both racing to see Larfleeze as he (apparently) is the URGENT AND MOST IMPORTANT key to all things Lantern. Presumably also making him the most important and the best. At the end, because Kyle is the best Lantern ever (who isn't Hal, or indeed Larfleeze) he is so much better than the Third Army that only a Guardian can bring him in. I can't remember where we are in power escalation storylines, but that just doesn't feel right.
LoSH #15: A dinosaur in future Barcelona. That's about it.
Nightwing #15: The Joker kills some of Dick's mates from the circus he does/doesn't own/perform in in some quite boring ways. Dull, more than anything else.
Red Hood #15: Jason kills a whole pile fo policemen to prove he's not a murderer. Roy and Starfire nearly have sex then turn up to save the day. Bleh.
Supergirl #15: MAKE IT STOP. The H'El on Earth crossover is interminable. Kara gets sent into the bottle city of Kandor to bring back a crystal that the H'El within Kandor has. Which does make you wonder if he had the power to send her in and out why he just didn't take himself out. Dreadful stuff.
Sword of Sorcery #3: "Death is the only fate I seek!" Death is preferable to the Amethyst part of this book. In the Boewulf backup Marilyn Manson explains how we got from the one state of affairs to the other state of affairs, or how Boewulf came to be. Then she blows shit up, just because. It's the most readable pages thus far this week, and still isn't very good.
Wonder Woman #15: ORION ORION ORION ORION ORION (the WW stuff is a bit Byrne-y) ORION ORION ORION ORION ORION. Then Abominable Snowmen. YAY. SOMETHING WORTH READING.

New 52 Month 15: Will to live is almost gone

Batgirl #15: I know the Bat franchise is all about vengeance, but jeez, Gail Simone ladles it on. Batgirl wants to kill the Joker because he's hurting her mum. No, because of the whole cripple thing. No, her mum. No, the cripple thing. No, because of James. No, because of her mum. How do you live your life as such a seething ball of hate? It's amazing she's able to function, she's so led by her emotions. Anyway, (one of) the Joker's plans is revealed and... it's the plot to Boxing Helena. Which might almost be ironic and/or cute if one of the characters was called Helena, but since there isn't just feels lazy. I'd like to hope it was this "shocking revelation" that got Gail sacked.
Batman #15: Bruce, your skills of denial are fearsome but you're wrong. Of course the Joker's been in the Batcave and of course he knows who everybody is. Even Jason Todd, WHO HE KILLED, knows this is true and him zinging you over it is the highlight of this otherwise overly wordy issue. Not Jurgens Superman wordy, I'll give you, but very full of exposition and explanation. Maybe if a plot's that complex then it's too complicated? Maybe? The backup is far more like it, giving us the Joker's escape from Arkham and bring the (presumbly unreformed in the Johnsiverse) Riddler along for the ride. Poor old Steve though. Being ruined too like that.
Batman & Robim #15: See Gail? Peter Tomasi gets it. Actually, he possibly has more fun with the Joker than any of the other current Bat-writers, having him play with his face and sticking his hands through the mouth - even wearing it upside-down in a pretty disturbing image. I can't help thinking the whole Alfred plot is nothing more than sleight of hand during this crossover, and I stand by my guess that Damian is the one who dies after reading this issue.
Deathstroke #15: Not improved by lack of Liefeld. Now that's a claim.
Demon Knights #15: Some day a real rain will come and wash the magic off the bad guys. Not really how I thought this plot would end, but you can't have everything. It ends with the formalisation of the group as Stormwatch, and we all know if Merlin calls you a name you decide to keep it. This book has, unfortunately, petered out month on month after about the first 9 months and is probably nearing the end of worth. The next issue is set "thirty years later" though, so maybe a new team (presumably?) will revitalise it. Sales figures would suggest it's a lost cause though.
Frankenstein #15: So, now we know the missing link between Frankenstein #14 and Animal Man #15, which is that the magic women who turned up on the final page of last issue all die 2 pages into this issue in order for Frankie to beat the big monster. The rest of the issue is emo nonsense as it turns out F is head over heels with Not Abe Sapien and has made her pregnant. When did she stop wearing her water helmet? I've only just realised she doesn't have it on during this issue. Limping over the line rather than finishing strongly, the scent of failure is all over this title now and it's a chore to finish.
Green Lantern Corps #15: Guy isn't a Lantern any more. John Stewart is with one of the Star Sapphires, who tethers her heart with love to the bit of Mogo that JS has found to help it meet all the other bits of Mogo. Salaak is now the best Lantern in the history of Lanterning ever, as he's just about able to work out what the Guardians are doing (which seems to be proving ridiculously easy, so maybe the Lanterns aren't all that after all). Guy decides he going to bluff it against bad guys and goes out to bust some heads, but only ends up ruining a lengthy police honey trap for an arms dealer. Which, it seems, gets you arrested. There had to be something arresting about this book, I guess. Badum-tish.
Grifter #15: Wow. Marat Michaels goes all-out with his Liefeld worship here. It's much cleaner inked than Rob, but the poses and layouts are just as bad - arguably worse. King Shark, for example, is a noticeably different size in all four panels he's in. There's a plot in here somewhere but it's buried so far below the overwhelming tide of crap that I can't be arsed expending the effort to find it. Something to do with Mormon Daemonites I think. C'mon. I couldn't be making that up, could I? Anyway, this takes place about 6 months ago in continuity, I think, based on the Suicide Squad represented here. Is it so difficult to get basic things right, like WHO'S ALIVE?
Legion Lost #15: Wildfire sacrifices himself to no avail, although apparently they're going to try and rebuild him. I thought this was the last issue, but it turns out the next one is. Or not, as apparently it's merging (of sorts) with the Ravagers. You have to query the editorial mentality at DC, really. EVERY cancelled book - which has been cancelled because of poor sales, remember - has been merged or continued in another title. Here's the thing: people weren't buying it because they didn't like it. They still won't like it if/when you change the name and continue it in secret. Or am I missing something?
Suicide Squad #15: I think this will actually turn out to be a key point in Death of the Family in the end, as we find out a lot about the Joker's general motivation in the Johnsiverse. But that last page. I look forward to how THAT'S explained.
Superboy #15: Oh God, I had forgotten this crossover was still going. Superboy is beaten almost to death, so Supes flies him off to the Fortress of Solitude and tries to put his armour on Superboy to cure him. His logic is that it will recognise Kryptonian bloodline and help him but it doesn't work properly. Supes rationalises this as proof Superboy is a clone of him. Yes. The thing that works by recognising Kryptonians (in his head) doesn't work because he's perfectly identical to Kryptonians. Still, how can you take a man seriously who stops between two panels to put on a cape for no obvious reason? He'l looks like he's winning, which clearly means he'll lose in the next issue of Supergirl.
Team 7 #3: The hiding place of cancelled characters does a fairly basic spy team book as they try and break up whatever it is the singer from Ghost is trying to do. None of it really matters as the point of the whole thing is Deathstroke being turned into Eclipso on the last page. I doubt it'll make this readable next month, but you never know.
Ravagers #7: Fairchild sees a future where the Ravagers destroy the world. Yes, it's them that do it, not the definitely true Rotworld, or the Guardians' Third Army, or the New Krypton, or anything else that is definitely the future which will destroy everything. If you're having continuity, you sort of have to stick with it. (By the same token, where is this in relation to Legion Lost?) Deathstroke's going to be in the next one. Because he improves everything, obviously.

Marvel NOW!: Zingzillas

Captain America #1: Steve Trevor should have known it wasn't a SHIELD train when it has Mogwai songs as the password to get on it. Surely the good guys aren't still listening to them? Although maybe Steve still is, since it's his 90th birthday. Maybe he's just confused because his bllod sugar is low? He and Sharon clearly thought they were going to a bar for a drink or some food rather than him being transported to Dimension 5 by Arnim Zola, where he's now stuck. This is at times charming, funny and thrilling and is a great, great read. It makes explicit though that Marvel NOW isn't anything other than a marketing gimmick, as it refers to something which happened in previous issues of Captain America? The Avengers? Who knows, and it isn't explained.
Deadpool #2: A zing-rated wazzer if ever I saw one, Deadpool is joke after joke after violence after joke. Zingy dialogue about sound effects? CHECK! An elephant burned to death? CHECK! JFK can't keep his hands off theladies? CHECK! Bugs Bunny and TV advertising references? CHECK! If this sounds like snark it isn't, because I really enjoy reading this, but then I was buying Deadpool Max before the jump so go figure.
Indestructible Hulk #1: Mark Waid's take on the Hulk is simple. Bruce is upset that Tony Stark and Reed Richards get all the credit for being the brains in the Marvel Universe and feels intellectually cuckolded so decides to be the Bruce Banner/Hulk from the recent Avengers film because people liked him. Eventually it turns out the Hulk might be stronger than anyone ever thought he was and might defy mathematics. Yes, again. Enjoyable enough, but feels like it's been done before.
Iron Man #2: More Greg Land! At one point, the entire frame is full of a woman pouring a martini at chest height. Why? Because BEWBZ! (Apart from that, this is wordy and Tony fights some other people in Extremis suits, this time inspired by King Arthur and the Round Table. OK if you like some near-identical people blasting repulsor rays at each other. I think we're supposed to recognise the woman in the final panel and draw some conclusions but, you know, Greg Land.)
Journey Into Mystery #646: Sif leaves a domestic dispute to scratch a dragon's neck and then cut someone's head off. Seriously, are there any books in the Marvel Universe that aren't supposed to be funny? This is jam full of jokes, about half of which vaguely come off, and if I knew it was like this I would have been buying it already. Like Deadpool Prince Valiant, if not nearly as good as that sounds.
Wolverine and the X-Men #21: Rehashing the plot of Mojo Mayhem, reset in a circus, might just work. Although even I, who has read very little Marvel, spot it so maybe not.
A+X #2: Hey, these are fun and all but like last month they're too short to take seriously. An entertaining diversion though.
All New X-Men #2: Okaaaaay... present day Hank goes back in time to get the original X-Men and bring them back to the present day, because if he does then Scott will realise what he's going to do and... something will happen. Instead they come back and love what they've done with the place. Jean gets her mental powers because Hank tells her she'll get them at some point in the future. Anyway, they decide to stay and fight against present day Scott because present day Hank might not be that well. I can see what this is doing, but it feels like awful fanwank if I'm honest.
FF #1: So, now we know what's going to happen while the Fantastic Four are away for FOUR MINUTES. This is so heavily foreshadowed that something going to go wrong it's not true, but I'm guessing we'll end up with this being the Kirkman FF book and the Fantastic Four being Challengers of the Unknown In Space. This issue pretty much does what's required to set up this premise, but since most of this is told in single pages it feels like it jumps about a bit too much. As somebody who was with the FF books at the end, I kind of just want them to get on with it.
Thor God of Thunder #2: After having set up the three time zone premise, this is set entirely in the past. Thor and Lord Voldemort punch each other in the sky for 10 pages until Thor remembers he can call down lightning, which ends the fight pretty quickly. Yes, I'm being harsh (because I did actually like this) but given this is only a five part story - because the one thing I'm getting from all of this is that Marvel only want to tell stories they can print in a single-volume trade these days - it doesn't feel like that much happens.
Uncanny Avengers #2: PO. FACED. Possibly Wanda is going to do what she did in A vs X which got undone by the end of A vs X again, because the Red Skull tells her to. After all, why just use a plot once when you've paid for it, right? Some heroes look guilty because they smashed up New York, but it's OK because an old guy tells them he wanted it smashed up really. The Red Skull stands very heroically, but not as much on the cover of #3 where Cap looks like he's going to kick him in the balls.
X-Men Legacy #2: Wow. Even worse than the first one. Some people who may be an alternative X-Men turn up to get Dragonball Z guy out of his Tibetan monastery while he simultaneously fights Davey Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean in his head and Chinese Parademons in Tibet, guided by the Fluoronic Man. A pair of floating eyeballs turn up and he starts wearing an 80s bodywarmer. This version makes more sense than the published one.
All New x-Men #3: We get, in the following order, the following scenes: Scott and Magneto set up their bad mutant base in the Weapon X facility because "nobody would ever suspect that bad guys would be there"; we see Scott and Magneto bust out Emma (where she admits her powers are screwed and turns into a diamond a couple of times to show she can still do SOMETHING) and she joins them out of desperation because the police turn up; Scott has a bit of a cry and Magneto talks through his daddy issues with him; and finally the 60s X-Men turn up to tell them they're naughty mutants. This is so mired in X-history and continuity I can't be arsed, and I can't see how this is much fun for anyone else who isn't bought into the whole X-thing.
Avengers #1: Tony decides the Avengers need to go to Mars to take over the planet as a base, because the Avengers aren't big enough, but it turns out somebody else had already had the same idea. They have a fight and Cap gets away and back to earth, where he plans a rescue mission because of guilt over Civil War or the Illuminati or some other crossover I didn't read and couldn't care less about. To do this, he expands the Avengers membership to 13 which might stretch the defention of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" slightly.
Deadpool #3: Even by the standards of the first two, this is like watching a hyperactive kid running round zinging bits of furniture. It works, but by God it's tiring to watch. Two issues in one sitting might just be too much, although Deadpool acting as the editor's explanatory boxout is a moment of greatness.
Iron Man #3: Blah blah extremis blah blah sick girl blah blah guys in super suits fight with rays. Only one real Landism to report, which is the first panel Firebrand's in. No woman's ever sat like that though, surely? And what's up with her left thigh? Poor quality lightboxing there. I'm sure there's something to like here but I'm not seeing it.
Red She-Hulk #60: The Red Hulk Avengers fail to capture her, but notice she doesn't seem to be as bad as they think she is. Except Cap. He hates her. Machine Man discovers that the Earth actually is the supercomputer from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and the Eye in the Pyramid tells him that SHIELD has it built. Because of this he chooses to help her beat up a super-soldier training camp run by DUN DUN DUN...! General Fortean! Presumably mates with Brigadier Blavatsky? It's really not very good, this.
Thunderbolts #1: General Ross' Rulk is recruiting bad guys, so obviously picks the Punisher, Deadpool and Elektra. This aims for Ennis (Punisher, and bits of Preacher seem the most obvious comparators) and mainly succeeds, but the retouching of Steve Dillon's artwork to give Elektra bigger boobs sticks in the throat a bit too much to take it seriously. We'll see where it goes from here.

New 52 Month 15: Thinking Karen Berger has the right idea

Action Comics #15: Ummm... GMoz's Action run is all a 5-D illusion? Who else went back and checked the number of worlds before and after the cataclysm to see if there were 52 left? He's slap bang on form here (and even the backup is great) but, as I've said before, this has so little to do with the Johnsiverse I have absolutely no idea why DC are persisting with the idea it's one of the New 52 (see also Batman Inc). Last issue's story took place about a decaxe in the future, and this issue takes place simultaneously in the past, the present and the future. I think the trade of this is going to be a great read, and I look forward to re-reading once done, but to be honest as a monthly floppy I'm finding it kind of infuriating as it feels like you need to be checking other issues all the time or at least not be distracted by reading other things. On that basis, I still have mixed feelings about the book and it doesn't liven up my week's reading.
Animal Man #15: Featuring Frankenstein, which means you'll need to have read Frankenstein #15 to know how that turns out before he gets here. Except it's not published yet. TOP PLANNING. So, they beat all the gorillas in a couple of pages and walk over America some more. The flashback to the 'present' pans out exactly as you thought it would, and in the future Buddy has a nightmare about the past, from before they all got in the camper van. Having finally got to Metropolis, where the secret prison of the guy that can beat Rotworld is, amid much speculation they're going to find Superman they find Green Lantern. Although not a Lantern we've seen before, and obviously they haven't been reading Earth 2 because in there Alan Scott beats Grundy when he turns up as the Earth 2 King of Rot. Rot is kind of how I feel about this book now, if I'm honest. It's clearly not a real future, and is so obviously full of padding it's not that engaging. Swamp Thing is clearly driving this narrative, and actually being good is obviously in its favour. But more on that later. As for this, it's 2 pages of resolution of the last plot then 18 pages of nothing then 2 pages of cliffhanger. Just like the last half dozen issues. Disappointing.
Batwing #15: Western science beats African magic. GOT THAT? A massive electric Bat-net stops the baddie from mind-controlling people and Batwang decides not to throw him off a roof, just to show what a good man he is. Pity he's still a cop accepting bribes, eh?
Detective Comics #15: There's a great story in here about the resolution to the Clayface and Ivy marriage story but it's kind of overshadowed by the Penguin plot in which we get another blonde smoking slightly shifty anti-hero to go with the ones in Justice League Dark and Wonder Woman. Is it any wonder then this feels like it's going over old ground? Especially when it's a core Bat-book during a massive Bat-crossover that it doesn't go near except referring to it in one panel? The backup is really kind of excellent though, with the full story of Clayface and Ivy told with pace and poise. You know what it reminds me of? Concrete. And you can't say that about many books DC are publishing these days.
Dial H #7: Nelson and Roxie continue to look for another dial, slowly picking up clues (mainly in France). The great thing about this is the balancing of comedy and moving the plot forward, even if it's just goofing off with barking mad and useless characters. At the end, Mieville show's he's read The Invisibles and the bad guy is revealed as GMoz's time centipede thing. A trick is missed by not calling him the Human Centipede, I fear.
Earth 2 #7: Alan Scott gets used to the idea of being Green Lantern and Hawkgirl tries to intimidate him into embracing his Lantern-ness. There's an underground base and then NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO who wanted Mister Terrific back in this? We'd only just managed to forget about him! But then... yay yay yay we might be getting Red Tornado soon! Although I don't know why I'm looking forward to it, they'll probably bollocks it up as badly as Blue Devil. It's come to this, that the base expectation for any DC book now is that it'll be crap and if it isn't then we all applaud. That can't be right, can it?
GI Combat #7: How can a comic featuring a giant Nazi war wheel driven by the corpse of Erwin Rommel and destroyed by a ghost, a magic tank and a guy in his 80s be bad? That's right, IT CAN'T. The Unknown Soldier backup is solid enough and closes the story out, but the ending is a bit corny. You know what though? I can't help thinking if the book had started with Haunted Tank rather than giving JT Krul YET ANOTHER chance then it might have built up a slight head of sales and wouldn't be getting cancelled. Maybe a lesson to be learned there, but Johns and DiDio aren't in the game of learning.
Green Arrow #15: Oh God, this is dreadful rubbish. The not-concluded Hawkman stuff from last issue (which appears to have been concluded off-page) has left Oliie with a head injury which may or may not mean this whole issue is being imagined. Anyway, he breaks up a dog fight where the dog (the special favourite of on of the main bad guys) fights the other main bad guy for a diamond ice pick. "Made of real ice - geddit?" says the main bad guy. No, we don't. This needs putting out of its misery.
Stormwatch #15: Is this actually worse? I think it might be. There's a quadruple bluff and the guy from the first couple of issues (who we might have all forgotten about) turns out to be the bad guy behind everything and not shy of killing a roomful of kids to frame Midnighter. There's implanted memories (which in a twist I'm sure Pete Milligan assumes is SHOCKING) which may actually be inverted and the Midnighter might be the only one with the implanted memory, which is that everybody else has implanted memories saying he's bad... and emo Apollo flies into the sun to mope. Presumably his bedroom wasn't far enough away. Confusing rubbish, bordering on unreadable.
Swamp Thing #15: Compared to Animal Man, as you really have to do since they have the same plot, this is a work of genius. On its own merit, it's a pretty competent comic telling of the journey of Swampy and Deadman to Gotham looking for Batman, and finding Batgirl, interspersed with the 'now' of Abby trying to escape from the castle as Rotworld starts. It's just so much of a shame that this whole tie-in exists and that it's supposed to be part of the Johnsiverse - it would probably make a great standalone GN, but DC know better. Of course they do.
Phantom Stranger #3: They know well enough to produce this execrable crap. Written by their head guy. Words really can't describe how awful this is, honestly. It's a number of action poses, linked by some dreadfully stilted dialogue including a section where a character looks like he's going to discover God but goes to Thailand instead. There's a talking dog and the POWER OF PILATES. And wow, another slightly magic, wisecracking, sinister sidekick who smokes. That's 4 now. Who ever said DC had run out of ideads?
World's Finest #7: Damian shows up to help and it turns out Darkseid is KONY 2012. Really? REALLY? Ugh.

New 52 Month 14: Blue, like Duncan From.

Batwoman #14: MUST STOP THINKING ABOUT PROMETHEA. But it's so hard, this is so influenced by it. Every page is a splash to exploit the artwork, and the writing is pretty solid (even if it does put Wonder Woman in a kind of Justice League Dark position). After far too many months Batwoman has found its feet again and is about as good as it's ever been. Those of you that remember the Detective run will know that's fairly high praise.
Birds of Prey #14: This isn't going anywhere. Again. The Condor guy, who isn't maybe such a bad guy after all, but then is, but then isn't, but then is, is merely a sidebar in the plot. Which seems to be about getting a lot of ninjas in a room for a big fight - which the BoP run away from in any case. This isn't awful, by any means, it just isn't actively good and I can't for the life of me work out whu anyone would choose to read it.
Blue Beetle #14: So, Jaime and the other good/bad scarab blow up Scarabworld, like it was suggested last month they would, while the dead Mayan dude continues to chase them. There are an awful lot of hints about secrets to be revealed in the near future, but over a year into publication isn't the time to be introducing them. I suppose the adventures in the Reach just about do enough to make you want to read more, but with cancellation already announced it's difficult to raise the enthusiasm. This may well indicate good things for Threshold when it starts, but migrating a cancelled title character into a new book hasn't exactly worked out for Mister Terrific now, has it?
Catwoman #14: Little more than a series of set pieces designed to show Catwoman in various states of undress (including a contrived scenario to get her in the shower), but it's not dreadful at all despite being written by Ann Nocenti. At the conclusion she offers her NEW REVOLUTIONARY take on The Joker - he's gay for Batman! Wow! I never saw that coming! </snark>

 

DCU Presents #14: STOP GETTING BLUE DEVIL WRONG. 

 

Facepalm indeed. Can I un-read this?
GL:NG #14: The continuing story of Kyle Rayner becoming the bestest Lantern ever sees him meeting the same people he's met before that swanned off at the end of the first plot NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN. But OH NOES Carol Ferris is being conned by the Guardians because they know the whole thing is secretly to help Hal and because they hate him so much they've got a whole secret plot to undermine all the other Lanterns of all colours just in case. That's how ridiculous this book is now, the lead character isn't even what the book is about any more. It's about Hal. Which not even Hal's book is about.
Justice League #14: Superman is still a cheetah, but jungle magic cures him so he takes WW out on a hot date to eat apple pie in Smallville. The ridiculously overpowered Cheetah is captured ridiculously easily (despite her almost killing Barry Allen in the process), which may or may not be part of a secret plot on her part that has to do with the Black Manta. Batman watches Supes and WW having sex in a field on his special Super Sex Scanner. He seems unmoved by the experience, but then again we can only see one of his hands. Geoff Johns' Shazam backup is as Johns-y as you'd expect, take it or leave it.
LoSH #14: SPROING is a sound effect you don't see that much any more. It appears multiple times here, including one panel where it appears three times. That's devotion to a word. A guy with a squid face called M'WIM has lost his sword. This will undoubtedly be a bad thing in future issues.
Nightwing #14: Poor Dick. Not important enough to get a Joker crossover in the first wave. It's really eating him up too, as he can't believe a villain would just turn up randomly and attack him and the Joker must have been behind it. Villains don't turn up randomly? HAVE YOU NEVER READ A COMIC BEFORE, DICK?
Red Hood #14: Superman turns up on the off-chance that what happened in his Annual (which I'm not actually sure I bothered reading), and buggers off in the huff when he finds it didn't. Jason shags an alien girl, only for the Joker to drug her and set him up with the police. See Dick? Even a DEAD Robin gets a better Joker crossover than you. Irrespective of how good this might be, the grammar nazi in me finds this unforgivable in an edited publication:

Your kidding me.
Supergirl #14: In which Supergirl is exposed as a Nationalist bigot. Seriously, she is full of contempt for Superman and the human scientist because they speak Kryptonian with an Earth accent, which she doesn't care for. She even thinks an Irish girl (which, as we all should remember, looks just like Texas) speaks more authentic Kryptonian than them. The rest of the issue is really about whether she and H'El (who has the least Kryptonian Kryptonian name ever) should kill everyone that isn't pure blood Kryptonian. Because we all like a nice final solution in our comics, don't we?
Sword Of Sorcery #2: Re-arrange these words. DUCK LAME. Amethyst and her new friend talk about fabrics. She then gets some of her mother's power through the ability of LOVE. Quite what the power is, who knows. Putting out lights seems to be her main skill. The techno-Beowulf backup is still excellent though and well worth your attention - just don't go near Amethyst to get there.
Wonder Woman #14: This really doesn't belong in the New 52, does it. 1) It's good. 2) It's well plotted, as we get the machinations of Gods, Zeus' bastard children, sleeping giants... 3) It's good. Plus Orion turns up at the end. You can't go wrong with the New Gods now, can you.
All-Star Western #14: So, the cover is unrelated to the plot and the Barbary Ghost's clothing is frankly implausible, but there's lots to love in this as ever. Yes, we've seen Mr Hyde in LoEG and he's been as brutal here as there, but it doesn't mean it isn't great to read. The Tomahawk backup isn't the best this book has seen though, and the final panel with the horses leaving the settlement is REALLY badly drawn. But hey, with pickings as slim as DC's output you ignore things like that in a decent book.
Aquaman #14: The thing about Aquaman is, he's king of the sea. Right? So you think you'd get an artist in that can draw fish. Well OK, Pete Woods can technically draw fish, but he draws STUPID fish. The sort who have to go to a special school and aren't allowed to play with the sharp coral. Black Manta doesn't want to join the Suicide Squad, presumably because it's not written by Geoff Johns, but will tie in with Justice League, because it is. In other news, the Trench baddies from the very first plot are being brought back by somebody (and based on the adverts for the impending Throne Of Atlantis I'd bet it's a way they think can... erm... get the Throne Of Atlantis). Johnsy Johnsiness of the highest order.
Batman Inc #5: Ummm. Thrill-powered, yes, but the whole issue is an alternate future Gotham if Damian became Batman. So, back in the DCU, Bruce tells Damian he can't let that happen. Then all the other members of Batman Inc get blown up. A great read, but I'm not sure why DC are publishing this as a New 52 title.
Batman The Dark Knight #14: Wow. Does Batman really skewer the Scarecrow to the ceiling with a rope he shoots from a rocket gun? He gets pissed off because of this and buys a giant dirigible from the Penguin to infect Gotham with fear gas during the Thanksgiving/Christmas parade. The Penguin probably didn't need it any more after it didn't go so well for him in that Tim Burton film. Good stuff though, even if it feels like there isn't much to it.
I, Vampire #14: The fight from last issue doesn't happen and a guy who can't do bar magic gets turned into a vampire. This second soft reboot doesn't feel like it's going anywhere and if I'm honest it's painfully obvious that this is a dead book walking. After the next round of cancellations it's the second lowest DC seller, so it's inevitable really.
Justice League Dark #14: Better than most of the characters' own books. We get a runaround of the House of Secrets, including the big secret of who's spying on the DCU trying to find out secrets. There's going to be a war, apparently. Yes, another one.
Red Lanterns #14: Atrocitus punches a planet to death. The human Red Lantern, the new one, lives in the Middle Ages (based on the village he takes Bleez to, which definitely isn't the one he left from the first time we saw him). The Red Lanterns easily beat the Third Army in any case, which makes them the best Lantern Corps, presumably. This allows Atrocitus to muse on the colour blue, like some kind of rage-filled Van Gogh.

What next? Larfleeze recites "Daffodils"?
Superman #14: Supergirl's genocidal desires spill over to here, but Superman is largely able to explain it all away in long sentences. H'El gets in a mood because nobody will kill Superboy for him, so he smashes up a car lot. Scott Lobdell has improved the title exponentially, but having to deal with shitty crossovers is affecting his ability to deliver. Get back to Clark & Jimmy in 'One And A Half Men'.
Talon #2: Do we really need this? It's well written and engaging enough, because you can never have too much OWLS, but it really does feel like one BatBook too many, even though it isn't really one. Might be worth taking a 6 month view on, not least because I think it'll read better as a trade anyway.
Teen Titans #14: Cassie takes her armour back, which kills her archaeologist boyfriend. She doesn't seem to cut up about it. Kiran finally realises she's naked and gets all embarrassed in front of someone from the "current" issue of Birds of Prey, by which presumably they mean #15 as I've just read #14 and don't recognise the character I'm obviously supposed to. What are the chances of that, an incorrect editorial boxout?
Flash #14: Grodd back and more powerful than before, with control over the speed force now. I won't spoil the ending, but this is super stuff again and maybe the most consistently good book in the Johnsiverse.
Firestorm #14: Just when you thought this book couldn't get any worse, Captain Atom has turned up. With a really weirdly shaped head. Somebody cancel this, please? It's the actual lowest seller not yet cancelled, and sells less than the already-cancelled Frankenstein. Just put it out of its misery, please?
Hawkman #14: And talking of poor sellers, the third lowest-selling not-cancelled book. Home of the Liefeld retells Deathstroke #14 over two pages, and Green Arrow shoots some arrows into Thanagarians' faces. We get wonders of Liefeld writing like this:

Can we make it stop please? Pretty please?

New 52 Month 14: Even I'm getting tired of this

Batgirl #14: A deranged Joker in full flow is always a great thing to behold, but Gail S just doesn't get it. She's too busy playing with the pseudo-hypnosis of Babs right up to the point where we're supposed to believe THIS Barbara Gordon, the one that had her back healed after the events of the Killing Joke, the one who got out of her wheelchair, the one who stared down one of the guys that did it... is reduced to a pathetic, paralysed weeping child by the memory of it. Still, Babs also doesn't recognise her brother's voice so anything is possible. I'm curious to how all the Death of the Family will work together, but not curious to read any more of these.
Batman #14: THIS is how you do a deranged Joker. Hats off Mr Snyder, you might just well be the best Batman writer since the Silver Age. But it's not just Batman - this is a textbook example of writing comics. Set up the mystery, raise the bar with a fake-out during the plot build and take it to a level where you want to read the next part of it. Hell, it almost makes me want to read Batgirl (even if Gail didn't get the memo about how the Joker's doing things). The backup is great too, with just enough hints about how all this is panning out, while telling a completely different story. Why isn't everything DC put out as good as this?
Batman & Robin #14: The Joker has created cannibals, but I can't take my mind of the way Peter Tomasi is channelling Neal Adams' Batman Odyssey. Or Frank Miller's All Star Batman. And neither of those are good options.

OK, I guess, but very average and I don't think we really need the emo bullshit on the last couple of pages.
Deathstroke #14: And there was me wondering why Deathstroke was involved in all this Hawkman nonsense. It's because his armour is Nth Metal. OH, OF COURSE IT IS ROB. FFS, can you not get one original idea? (By the way, despite all his fun adventures in space and whatnot Deathstroke is now reduced to picking up jobs in bars. Bit of a comedown.)
Demon Knights #14: This has kind of lost its way in the past couple of months. Etrigan and Jason are separate, Morgaine is going to conquer Avalon, everybody is pairing up into couples to have a happy life together. I didn't care for this much and had to check who wrote it as it's well below the standards Paul Cornell has set for the title, but he's put in enough effort in the past to get him a free pass this month. Just make it the only one where I say it, OK?
Frankenstein #14: Why drag your heels like the other Rotworld books? Why not just speed about invincibly across America when everyone else can't go 100 yards without being attacked. I know, why not go to Easter Island, just for the hell of it? Then kill off the rest of the cast and bring in some shiny golden robots? That's bound to help.
Green Lantern Corps #14: So the Guardians are now working against Guy Gardner now, because Guy is the best Lantern of all time now? Is that because Hal is/isn't dead or was Guy always better? And in GL:NG you say that Kyle's the best ever. Is it just that every Lantern is the best Lantern ever because they're all better than all the other heroes because they're Geoff Johns' power fantasy. Except John Stewart. Geoff Johns doesn't seem to like him for some reason. If only I could put my finger on what makes him different to Hal or Guy or Kyle. There must be something... Anyway, Kilowog and Salaak sort of work out what's going on, but don't care enough to do anything about it and the Guardians take away Guy's ring and return him to Earth. Most books would be cancelled at this point, as this one should, but it'll continue on unfortunately.
Grifter #14: Oh shitty Christ, this is awful. Rob has Grifter and Midnighter zapped round the world while they're fighting so he can get some KEWL ideas in. What if they were underwater fighting a shark, wouldn't that be KEWL? Oops, not as good as I thought, but there was a shark so VFFTTT they're in front of a speeding train, but that's a kind of one panel joke so VFFTTT they're in Tokyo. It's like watching a toddler with ADHD playing with action figures. Not being a toddler myself, or a parent with an interest, it's more dereving of sympathy than awe or pride.
Legion Lost #14: Not long remaining, and it definitely shows. This takes place after last month's Superboy, which takes place after next month's Ravagers. Make sense? The writers have given up with this lazy rubbish and so have I.
Suicide Squad #14: Wow, so Floyd's really dead, huh? Not sure I saw that coming, and Harley definitely didn't see the Joker punching her square in the face coming either. The slight change in focus to the Bat tie-in make it less satisfying in previous months as it's more than able to stand alone, but it works well enough I suppose. Compared to nearly everything else this week it's a masterpiece.
Superboy #14: Just so we're clear, Legion Lost 14-16 happen between Superboy 13 and 14. How's that there continuity working out for you, DiDio? This also is taking place at the same time (and is part of) both the Batman and Superman tie in plots. MAKE IT STOP.
Team 7 #2: I think this might genuinely be one of the most pointless books DC has ever published. Team 7's giant flying space doughnut takes them to somewhere that Eclipso might be, which is odd as he was killed during the TINY FOOTPRINTS nonsense, which must still exist because Green Lantern is still from that universe (otherwise Brightest Day can't have happened, which it must have). There's some fighting of sorts, and some standing about. That's all I remember, and I've just finished reading it. That probably tells its own story.
Phantom Stranger #2: Talking of pointless books... actually, the portrayal of football (or soccer, if you must) is one of the most hilariously inept things I've read in a DC book for many years. Really, if you're going to write about a topic you could at least learn SOMETHING about it. Imagine if a Brit was writing about baseball and the guy on the losing team hit four home runs. It would sound kind of stupid, right? Well so does this book. The Stranger is now just a supernatural alter-ego. Like putting on a costume or something. Yes, it's that dumb. Awful stuff.
Ravagers #6: And completing the week of wasted paper comes this, a barely tolerabel team book but I'll take anything I can get at this point. But wait! It takes place before Legion Lost 14, so it takes place before Superboy 14. Good. But they're not done yet - Beast Boy suffers the effects from Rotworld in this issue and a boxout refers to Swamp Thing and Animal Man 14s, so they take place in the Johnsiverse after all and here's the proof. That means it only has a year left before it's all destroyed. Hooray!