Marvel NOW!: Zingzillas

Captain America #1: Steve Trevor should have known it wasn't a SHIELD train when it has Mogwai songs as the password to get on it. Surely the good guys aren't still listening to them? Although maybe Steve still is, since it's his 90th birthday. Maybe he's just confused because his bllod sugar is low? He and Sharon clearly thought they were going to a bar for a drink or some food rather than him being transported to Dimension 5 by Arnim Zola, where he's now stuck. This is at times charming, funny and thrilling and is a great, great read. It makes explicit though that Marvel NOW isn't anything other than a marketing gimmick, as it refers to something which happened in previous issues of Captain America? The Avengers? Who knows, and it isn't explained.
Deadpool #2: A zing-rated wazzer if ever I saw one, Deadpool is joke after joke after violence after joke. Zingy dialogue about sound effects? CHECK! An elephant burned to death? CHECK! JFK can't keep his hands off theladies? CHECK! Bugs Bunny and TV advertising references? CHECK! If this sounds like snark it isn't, because I really enjoy reading this, but then I was buying Deadpool Max before the jump so go figure.
Indestructible Hulk #1: Mark Waid's take on the Hulk is simple. Bruce is upset that Tony Stark and Reed Richards get all the credit for being the brains in the Marvel Universe and feels intellectually cuckolded so decides to be the Bruce Banner/Hulk from the recent Avengers film because people liked him. Eventually it turns out the Hulk might be stronger than anyone ever thought he was and might defy mathematics. Yes, again. Enjoyable enough, but feels like it's been done before.
Iron Man #2: More Greg Land! At one point, the entire frame is full of a woman pouring a martini at chest height. Why? Because BEWBZ! (Apart from that, this is wordy and Tony fights some other people in Extremis suits, this time inspired by King Arthur and the Round Table. OK if you like some near-identical people blasting repulsor rays at each other. I think we're supposed to recognise the woman in the final panel and draw some conclusions but, you know, Greg Land.)
Journey Into Mystery #646: Sif leaves a domestic dispute to scratch a dragon's neck and then cut someone's head off. Seriously, are there any books in the Marvel Universe that aren't supposed to be funny? This is jam full of jokes, about half of which vaguely come off, and if I knew it was like this I would have been buying it already. Like Deadpool Prince Valiant, if not nearly as good as that sounds.
Wolverine and the X-Men #21: Rehashing the plot of Mojo Mayhem, reset in a circus, might just work. Although even I, who has read very little Marvel, spot it so maybe not.
A+X #2: Hey, these are fun and all but like last month they're too short to take seriously. An entertaining diversion though.
All New X-Men #2: Okaaaaay... present day Hank goes back in time to get the original X-Men and bring them back to the present day, because if he does then Scott will realise what he's going to do and... something will happen. Instead they come back and love what they've done with the place. Jean gets her mental powers because Hank tells her she'll get them at some point in the future. Anyway, they decide to stay and fight against present day Scott because present day Hank might not be that well. I can see what this is doing, but it feels like awful fanwank if I'm honest.
FF #1: So, now we know what's going to happen while the Fantastic Four are away for FOUR MINUTES. This is so heavily foreshadowed that something going to go wrong it's not true, but I'm guessing we'll end up with this being the Kirkman FF book and the Fantastic Four being Challengers of the Unknown In Space. This issue pretty much does what's required to set up this premise, but since most of this is told in single pages it feels like it jumps about a bit too much. As somebody who was with the FF books at the end, I kind of just want them to get on with it.
Thor God of Thunder #2: After having set up the three time zone premise, this is set entirely in the past. Thor and Lord Voldemort punch each other in the sky for 10 pages until Thor remembers he can call down lightning, which ends the fight pretty quickly. Yes, I'm being harsh (because I did actually like this) but given this is only a five part story - because the one thing I'm getting from all of this is that Marvel only want to tell stories they can print in a single-volume trade these days - it doesn't feel like that much happens.
Uncanny Avengers #2: PO. FACED. Possibly Wanda is going to do what she did in A vs X which got undone by the end of A vs X again, because the Red Skull tells her to. After all, why just use a plot once when you've paid for it, right? Some heroes look guilty because they smashed up New York, but it's OK because an old guy tells them he wanted it smashed up really. The Red Skull stands very heroically, but not as much on the cover of #3 where Cap looks like he's going to kick him in the balls.
X-Men Legacy #2: Wow. Even worse than the first one. Some people who may be an alternative X-Men turn up to get Dragonball Z guy out of his Tibetan monastery while he simultaneously fights Davey Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean in his head and Chinese Parademons in Tibet, guided by the Fluoronic Man. A pair of floating eyeballs turn up and he starts wearing an 80s bodywarmer. This version makes more sense than the published one.
All New x-Men #3: We get, in the following order, the following scenes: Scott and Magneto set up their bad mutant base in the Weapon X facility because "nobody would ever suspect that bad guys would be there"; we see Scott and Magneto bust out Emma (where she admits her powers are screwed and turns into a diamond a couple of times to show she can still do SOMETHING) and she joins them out of desperation because the police turn up; Scott has a bit of a cry and Magneto talks through his daddy issues with him; and finally the 60s X-Men turn up to tell them they're naughty mutants. This is so mired in X-history and continuity I can't be arsed, and I can't see how this is much fun for anyone else who isn't bought into the whole X-thing.
Avengers #1: Tony decides the Avengers need to go to Mars to take over the planet as a base, because the Avengers aren't big enough, but it turns out somebody else had already had the same idea. They have a fight and Cap gets away and back to earth, where he plans a rescue mission because of guilt over Civil War or the Illuminati or some other crossover I didn't read and couldn't care less about. To do this, he expands the Avengers membership to 13 which might stretch the defention of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" slightly.
Deadpool #3: Even by the standards of the first two, this is like watching a hyperactive kid running round zinging bits of furniture. It works, but by God it's tiring to watch. Two issues in one sitting might just be too much, although Deadpool acting as the editor's explanatory boxout is a moment of greatness.
Iron Man #3: Blah blah extremis blah blah sick girl blah blah guys in super suits fight with rays. Only one real Landism to report, which is the first panel Firebrand's in. No woman's ever sat like that though, surely? And what's up with her left thigh? Poor quality lightboxing there. I'm sure there's something to like here but I'm not seeing it.
Red She-Hulk #60: The Red Hulk Avengers fail to capture her, but notice she doesn't seem to be as bad as they think she is. Except Cap. He hates her. Machine Man discovers that the Earth actually is the supercomputer from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and the Eye in the Pyramid tells him that SHIELD has it built. Because of this he chooses to help her beat up a super-soldier training camp run by DUN DUN DUN...! General Fortean! Presumably mates with Brigadier Blavatsky? It's really not very good, this.
Thunderbolts #1: General Ross' Rulk is recruiting bad guys, so obviously picks the Punisher, Deadpool and Elektra. This aims for Ennis (Punisher, and bits of Preacher seem the most obvious comparators) and mainly succeeds, but the retouching of Steve Dillon's artwork to give Elektra bigger boobs sticks in the throat a bit too much to take it seriously. We'll see where it goes from here.

Marvel NOW! Month 1: Taking ideas from Dan DiDio is not a business plan

Since I obviously don't know any better, I'm going to take on the Marvel soft reboot as well (not least because some of you asked me to). I'm far less familiar with the Marvel Universe, particularly the X Plot, and only really know anything about the recent FF and Iron Man out of the line, which maybe makes this a better fit than DC in that I'm the sort of person Marvel should be chasing in that I have the potential to be a new customer. So let's dive in...
Marvel NOW! 0.1: A guy from the future shows up and starts taking over the New York stock exchange, which maturally piques the interest of SHIELD. Maria Hill, Agent Coulson out of the films and Ultimate Nick Fury/Samuel Jackson turn up to interrogate him where he tells about the imminent collapse of America and spouts an awful lot of Warren Ellis-type dialogue. We get an origin story of sorts for the new Nova, who fights an old Nova baddie and ends the fight written like BMB's Ultimate Spider-Man. After a SHIELD interlud we get a thoroughly enjoyable piece where Loki tries to recruit Miss America for the Young Avengers over Korean barbecue. Then a Mike Allred piece on Ant Man that reads probably most like The All-New Atom (from when he was the Asian kid). Somebody who looks like an insane Tony Stark but according to the end papers is someone called Forge builds (or rather fixes) a giant steampunk computer and chops up a living brain for, it turns out, Cable. Back on the Helicarrier, future boy gets shot dead by Coulson after doing some body jumping. All of this prompts Maria Hill to start the Avengers. If this is supposed to be a taster, and try and suck me in to the reboot then it's done exactly the job it's supposed to as I want to read more of pretty much all of these stories. I'm kind of confused why the characters seem to be from different Marvel Universes, but I'm sure it'll be explained somewhere. This is how you do it, DiDio.
A+X #1: WWII Captain America and Bucky are sent behind the lines to break up a Nazi robot factory, and discover what seems to be a Nazi Sentinel. Then with a whoosh, Cable jumps through a time portal to "help" because it's all part of a time-travel plot by someone called Trask to wipe out mutants earlier in history. In a thrill-powered moment, Trask sends the Sentinel after Cable by programming it with the punched card he's already had made for the mutants he knows about. Bucky then blows it up. In the second story, a Hulk and Wolverine from the future come back to stop a Hulk and Wolverine from the present arguing about a slice of cake. They were sent back by a Red Hulk PotUS, who looks like either General Ross or JJJ. These are fun, but standalone tales which presumably are supposed to contribute to an overall plot by increments, and they're tremendous fun but the real truth is that they're just not long enough and so end up being completely unsatisfying. Like just eating canapes instead of having a proper meal. Strip this down to one story and it'll be as much fun as the late lamented Tangled Web, which I'm sure we'd all love to see back.
All-New-X-Men #1: It starts with a summary of A Vs X, which seems to be as follows - the Scarlet Witch gets rid of mutants, but then Phoenix comes from space and powers them back up again; then Cyclops kills Professor X which makes Phoenix sad and go back to space so now all the mutants are becoming mutants again. Alles klar? Beast becomes the Beast again, and the team-up of Cyclops, Emma Frost and Magneto (who may or may not be a good guy now) find a new mutant in Australia who has frozen time. The resolution of this section is kind of confusing if I'm honest, as they can get in her time bubble so why they don't just take her out and then collapse the bubble isn't clear and they seem to do it the way they do just so they can have a FITE (or, even more cynically, just so there can be that splash page of them having a fight). It rumbles on in the same way, until Beast goes back in time to try and persuade past-Cyclops not to be a baddie. Maybe. This feels like a single shot story rather than a reboot if I'm honest and although it's a great read I'm not sure I care for where it's going. I'm then further confused by the sarcastic end piece, which seems unsure about who the target market is. I have a nagging feeling if they're all like this issue then this could be a more painful experience than doing this for DC. Time will tell.
Deadpool #1: A Scottish magician guy brings back the dead PotUSes, Captain America decapitates Harry S Truman, a giant dinosaur turns up and Deadpool burts out of its chest... LOOK, JUST BUY THIS. It's exactly what you expect/want it to be but makes it clear it's not a reboot. Deadpool is dreaming of franchising his book. You should be celebrating.
Fantastic Four #1: The skinny - Reed's powers are failing and he wants to take the entire contents of the Baxter Building into space for a year and use a time portal to return when they left, ostensibly so he can discover an unknown universe. Despite the fact they won't actually be missing, the premise for the FF series is to make sure everything's fine when they're gone by putting in replacements. Franklin has a nightmare foreshadowing something going wrong when they're lost in space/time. This jumps about an awful lot and might seem kind of baffling to people who haven't been reading either of the other books for the past few years.
Iron Man #1: Unlikely as it sounds, despite all the years of battling it Extremis is back on the loose and Tony is trying to shut it down. Being a Greg Land book, this has lots of identikit women. Like, LOTS of women. Everybody who isn't Tony or the bad guy, pretty much, is a woman. It's like reading a Gail Simone book which is sexist for different reasons for a change. Only more entertaining.
Thor God Of Thunder #1: Taking place in three time regions, this story of a God killer is a great read but feels like it's all been done before. If this was an Alan Moore or Gmoz book we'd accuse them of going over old ground. Fun, but pointless. Like painting targets on your nipples and getting somebody to fire rubber bands at them or something.
Uncanny Avengers #1: THERE ARE MORE VARIANT COVERS OF THIS THAN THERE ARE PAGES IN THE COMIC. Is this the 80s again, again? Anyway, this takes place some time before All-New-X-Men as Cyclops is in custody and there's lots of harking back to what happened in A Vs X. Ultimately, some aliens or something turn up and stop Rogue from punching the Scarlet Witch by stabbing her. The Red Skull cuts out Charles Xavier's brain. I have no idea what's going on or how it relates to the other books, and I'm not sure I care.
X-Men Legacy #1: The son of Charles Xavier does some Dragonball Z cosplay in the Himalayas, then sucks the life force out of people who have names with lots of z and x in them in an alien space prison, which it turns out is only in his imagination. It then does a pile of desperate GMoz wanna pseudo-mystic bullshit and something or nothing happens. Impenetrable bollocks that thinks it's clever.
And onto the books which are part of Marvel NOW! but aren't being renumbered/rebooted/whatever...
Avengers Assemble #9: The Avengers before the Uncanny Avengers have a kind of goofball team-up adventure in the ice and snow of Russia. If this and All-New-X-Men both contradict Uncanny Avengers, can I ignore it as out of continuity? Please? It's one of the things I haven't liked very much, so it would be expedient to do so. Ta.
Red She-Hulk #58-59: Yet another different Avengers lineup tries to take down Betsy Ross (who, while nobody was reading, became the Sexy Rulk because hs was at the original Gamma event or something). They sort of fail. But not in a way that's good enough to care about.
Wolverine & The X-Men #19-20: Wants to be wacky teen fluff. Almost succeeds. Contradicts All-New-X-Men and (possibly) Uncanny X-Men. Thankful now I don't have any other books to read.
And that's it. I don't know what they're trying to do, and don't know whether they've succeeded or not. I can't work out whether there's supposed to be a continuity (because several things contradict each other already) and if there isn't then what's the point of the whole thing? And as enjoyable as they are, the whole thing just feels tired - like all the plots for the FF, Thor and Iron Man have been used up and are treading water. And the real-world setting just actively works against the titles. I mean, both Uncanny Avengers and Deadpool destroy New York AGAIN. INDEPENDENTLY. That can't be right, surely? A better read than DC's effort, but less of a success I think. Time will tell.