Batgirl #14: A deranged Joker in full flow is always
a great thing to behold, but Gail S just doesn't get it. She's too busy
playing with the pseudo-hypnosis of Babs right up to the point where
we're supposed to believe THIS Barbara Gordon, the one that had her back
healed after the events of the Killing Joke, the one who got out of her
wheelchair, the one who stared down one of the guys that did it... is
reduced to a pathetic, paralysed weeping child by the memory of it.
Still, Babs also doesn't recognise her brother's voice so anything is
possible. I'm curious to how all the Death of the Family will work
together, but not curious to read any more of these.
Batman #14:
THIS is how you do a deranged Joker. Hats off Mr Snyder, you might just
well be the best Batman writer since the Silver Age. But it's not just
Batman - this is a textbook example of writing comics. Set up the
mystery, raise the bar with a fake-out during the plot build and take it
to a level where you want to read the next part of it. Hell, it almost
makes me want to read Batgirl (even if Gail didn't get the memo about
how the Joker's doing things). The backup is great too, with just enough
hints about how all this is panning out, while telling a completely
different story. Why isn't everything DC put out as good as this?
Batman & Robin #14:
The Joker has created cannibals, but I can't take my mind of the way
Peter Tomasi is channelling Neal Adams' Batman Odyssey. Or Frank
Miller's All Star Batman. And neither of those are good options.
OK, I guess, but very average and I don't think we really need the emo bullshit on the last couple of pages.
Deathstroke #14:
And there was me wondering why Deathstroke was involved in all this
Hawkman nonsense. It's because his armour is Nth Metal. OH, OF COURSE IT
IS ROB. FFS, can you not get one original idea? (By the way, despite
all his fun adventures in space and whatnot Deathstroke is now reduced
to picking up jobs in bars. Bit of a comedown.)
Demon Knights #14:
This has kind of lost its way in the past couple of months. Etrigan and
Jason are separate, Morgaine is going to conquer Avalon, everybody is
pairing up into couples to have a happy life together. I didn't care for
this much and had to check who wrote it as it's well below the
standards Paul Cornell has set for the title, but he's put in enough
effort in the past to get him a free pass this month. Just make it the
only one where I say it, OK?
Frankenstein #14:
Why drag your heels like the other Rotworld books? Why not just speed
about invincibly across America when everyone else can't go 100 yards
without being attacked. I know, why not go to Easter Island, just for
the hell of it? Then kill off the rest of the cast and bring in some
shiny golden robots? That's bound to help.
Green Lantern Corps #14:
So the Guardians are now working against Guy Gardner now, because Guy
is the best Lantern of all time now? Is that because Hal is/isn't dead
or was Guy always better? And in GL:NG you say that Kyle's the best
ever. Is it just that every Lantern is the best Lantern ever because
they're all better than all the other heroes because they're Geoff
Johns' power fantasy. Except John Stewart. Geoff Johns doesn't seem to
like him for some reason. If only I could put my finger on what makes
him different to Hal or Guy or Kyle. There must be something... Anyway,
Kilowog and Salaak sort of work out what's going on, but don't care
enough to do anything about it and the Guardians take away Guy's ring
and return him to Earth. Most books would be cancelled at this point, as
this one should, but it'll continue on unfortunately.
Grifter #14:
Oh shitty Christ, this is awful. Rob has Grifter and Midnighter zapped
round the world while they're fighting so he can get some KEWL ideas in.
What if they were underwater fighting a shark, wouldn't that be KEWL?
Oops, not as good as I thought, but there was a shark so VFFTTT they're
in front of a speeding train, but that's a kind of one panel joke so
VFFTTT they're in Tokyo. It's like watching a toddler with ADHD playing
with action figures. Not being a toddler myself, or a parent with an
interest, it's more dereving of sympathy than awe or pride.
Legion Lost #14:
Not long remaining, and it definitely shows. This takes place after
last month's Superboy, which takes place after next month's Ravagers.
Make sense? The writers have given up with this lazy rubbish and so have
I.
Suicide Squad #14: Wow, so Floyd's really
dead, huh? Not sure I saw that coming, and Harley definitely didn't see
the Joker punching her square in the face coming either. The slight
change in focus to the Bat tie-in make it less satisfying in previous
months as it's more than able to stand alone, but it works well enough I
suppose. Compared to nearly everything else this week it's a
masterpiece.
Superboy #14: Just so we're clear,
Legion Lost 14-16 happen between Superboy 13 and 14. How's that there
continuity working out for you, DiDio? This also is taking place at the
same time (and is part of) both the Batman and Superman tie in plots.
MAKE IT STOP.
Team 7 #2: I think this might
genuinely be one of the most pointless books DC has ever published. Team
7's giant flying space doughnut takes them to somewhere that Eclipso
might be, which is odd as he was killed during the TINY FOOTPRINTS
nonsense, which must still exist because Green Lantern is still from
that universe (otherwise Brightest Day can't have happened, which it
must have). There's some fighting of sorts, and some standing about.
That's all I remember, and I've just finished reading it. That probably
tells its own story.
Phantom Stranger #2: Talking
of pointless books... actually, the portrayal of football (or soccer,
if you must) is one of the most hilariously inept things I've read in a
DC book for many years. Really, if you're going to write about a topic
you could at least learn SOMETHING about it. Imagine if a Brit was
writing about baseball and the guy on the losing team hit four home
runs. It would sound kind of stupid, right? Well so does this book. The
Stranger is now just a supernatural alter-ego. Like putting on a costume
or something. Yes, it's that dumb. Awful stuff.
Ravagers #6:
And completing the week of wasted paper comes this, a barely tolerabel
team book but I'll take anything I can get at this point. But wait! It
takes place before Legion Lost 14, so it takes place before Superboy 14.
Good. But they're not done yet - Beast Boy suffers the effects from
Rotworld in this issue and a boxout refers to Swamp Thing and Animal Man
14s, so they take place in the Johnsiverse after all and here's the
proof. That means it only has a year left before it's all destroyed.
Hooray!
Action #14: Ummm. Yeah. The human terraforming
mission to Mars is under threat because other terraformers have dibs on
the planet. Then some other terraformers, who are a bit like the bad
Angels from Doctor Who, turn up as well as they've been doing this
relelntlessly since they tried to do it to Krypton (leaving aside that
they've only done 200 planets in the entire time Kal-el has been alive,
which isn't exactly startling pace) but luckily the middle terraformers
are Mek-Quake from Ro-Busters and so powerful enough to smash the
angels, until Superman electrocutes them in the 5th Dimension. Wait,
multi-dimensions? After the reveal about Clark's landlady the other
month, that can only mean one thing! Yes, it's Vyndktvx, the Johnsiverse
version of Mr Mxyzptlk! Only he's a bad, vindictive little
multi-dimensional sprite and not the trickster we know and love and he's
been behind EVERYTHING! GOSH! Does this sound like fanwank?
Thrill-powered as it is, I suspect it might. Still, it all works out all
right. We know that because the Sholly Fisch backup takes place the
week after it. Way to go, editors.
Animal Man #14:
I want to like this. Really I do, but I know it's not real. Rotworld is
an Elseworlds book, as in real-time in the Johnsiverse the rot has
already started taking over and in the future it has. Enjoying it for
what it is then, it's always pleasant to see Grifter get his head ripped
off. Beast Boy cares for him as much as I do and you can never be sure
it's not just Jeff Lemire channelling directly.
So
much of this doesn't make sense though. Gorilla City is now in America?
And why try and make explicit AGAIN that this IS the Johnsiverse by
having Black Orchid talk about Steve Trevor's black projects? The
confused mess this ends up is purely because of the attempts to make the
52 universe a tangible thing. If this was just lurking off as a Vertigo
book or something everything would be fine. In what I'm sure is a
complete coincidence, amid dialogue about turncoats, the heroes who are
shown to have gone over to the other side are Grifter, Deathstroke and
Hawk & Dove. I mean, it is just a coincidence Rob Liefeld was
working on all of those, right? Otherwise them being the only ones
picked on would be a really petty bit of whiny bitching, yeah? It would
make you wonder what Jeff Lemire could have against him, were it any
more than a coincidence? Or what an editorial hold DiDio and Johns had
over him to force him to write them in. Were it not just a coincidence
that draws a connection between Rob L and being a traitor. But obviously
it's a coincidence. OBVIOUSLY. I can't believe I even noticed it.
Batwing #14:
Oh God, I had forgotten about this. Africa is full of magic, yes, and
everybody has hanging about a special amulet to protect them from the
magic. If they're not ancient magic people then they're mercenaries who
sometimes work as vigilantes to make up for it. This really is dreadful
racist nonsense at the heart of it, about how DIFFERENT Africa is. Not
proper, like America. Everyone lives in shacks or ruins. They're all
corrupt. They all believe in magic. You just keep telling your self that
and you'll fit right in.
Detective #14: Whut?
The carefully built plot from the last issue is thrown away in four
pages, Brids of Prey is actively dissed and then the plot of the Ivy
story ignored... oh, and she's married to Clayface now. It's Helena I
feel sorry for, being deserted like that. Is the Johnsiverse really
trying to tear itself apart, based on this month so far?
Dial H #6:
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. What happens when the Dial gives you
somebody you couldn't possibly go outside with in this day and age? You
in heap big trouble. Nelson and Rox pass the day waiting for the effects
to wear off in one of those instances, while discussing other times.
Maybe my favourite issue so far, and that's a big claim. I'm just sorry
we won't see Wingy again.
Earth 2 #6: GRUNDY NOT SMASH MOON! STUPID MOON! If only Jeff Lemire was as clever as James Robinson, hunh?
GI Combat #6:
Haunted Tank is as much fun as Iron Sky. That's enough of an
explanation as you need. Unknown Soldier is kind of meh, but not enough
to drag the enjoyment of the book overall. See DiDio? This is what
happens when you get rid of people like JT Krul. People end up ACTUALLY
LIKING what you publish.
Green Arrow #14: Hawkman
and GA have a fight with lots of other Hawkmen, while chucking out huge
chunks of exposition and talking about COMPLETE BATTLE COLLAPSE and the
like. Ann Nocenti proves she's the mastermind behind those things
people put on Facebook by claiming "you can't unring a bell" is an
Ancient Chinese Proverb, when it actually came from a US court case in
the 50s. Oh good. It continues in Deathstoke (who hasn't actually been
in it yet) and Hawkman. Deep joy.
Green Lantern #14:
The Guardians talk to a guy made of light about how much they love Hal
Jordan before discussing how they're going to save and/or destroy the
universe and ponder the value of the soul. The Justice League turn up,
and in a wonder of Superhero Sadface realise that NOT EVERY ARAB IS A
TERRORIST. Well, except Aquaman. He still thinks that. Flash is kind of
amazed that an imaginary car doesn't behave like a normal car and
actually does what the guy who imagines it wants it to do. The Black
Hand tries to save the Guardians locked in the box in the middle of
space and Hal and Sinestro, who are still dead, go to the House of
Mystery. Probably. I can't tell any more.
Stormwatch #14:
Etrigan (who might not be Etrigan, as his rhyming is back and he's
significantly de-powered) is fighting Stormwatch, who think he was one
of the people the Demon Knights fought. Because, as we all know, Demon
Knights were Stormwatch before Stormwatch. Of course. How stupid of me.
Also, a superhero fight is a bit like the Olympics. No, it seriously
says this. Anyway, Stormwatch is now only about the Shadow Lords,
whatever they are. And Midnighter realises beating people up can cure
him of being gay. You might think I'm just checking you're still
reading, but no, this is what happens on the last page. I'd love to
pretend it doesn't, but unfortunately this is where DC have got to.
Really quite horrific.
Swamp Thing #14: Despite
existing in the same Elseworld as Animal Man, this is a rollicking read
as the green heroes left move to the same unavoidable fight as the red
heroes - except in a convincing and entertaining way. But it' tiring
reading and writing so much bad material. I need a nap before I attempt
anything else. Night night.
Since I obviously don't know any better, I'm going to take on the
Marvel soft reboot as well (not least because some of you asked me to).
I'm far less familiar with the Marvel Universe, particularly the X Plot,
and only really know anything about the recent FF and Iron Man out of
the line, which maybe makes this a better fit than DC in that I'm the
sort of person Marvel should be chasing in that I have the potential to
be a new customer. So let's dive in...
Marvel NOW! 0.1:
A guy from the future shows up and starts taking over the New York
stock exchange, which maturally piques the interest of SHIELD. Maria
Hill, Agent Coulson out of the films and Ultimate Nick Fury/Samuel
Jackson turn up to interrogate him where he tells about the imminent
collapse of America and spouts an awful lot of Warren Ellis-type
dialogue. We get an origin story of sorts for the new Nova, who fights
an old Nova baddie and ends the fight written like BMB's Ultimate
Spider-Man. After a SHIELD interlud we get a thoroughly enjoyable piece
where Loki tries to recruit Miss America for the Young Avengers over
Korean barbecue. Then a Mike Allred piece on Ant Man that reads probably
most like The All-New Atom (from when he was the Asian kid). Somebody
who looks like an insane Tony Stark but according to the end papers is
someone called Forge builds (or rather fixes) a giant steampunk computer
and chops up a living brain for, it turns out, Cable. Back on the
Helicarrier, future boy gets shot dead by Coulson after doing some body
jumping. All of this prompts Maria Hill to start the Avengers. If this
is supposed to be a taster, and try and suck me in to the reboot then
it's done exactly the job it's supposed to as I want to read more of
pretty much all of these stories. I'm kind of confused why the
characters seem to be from different Marvel Universes, but I'm sure
it'll be explained somewhere. This is how you do it, DiDio.
A+X #1:
WWII Captain America and Bucky are sent behind the lines to break up a
Nazi robot factory, and discover what seems to be a Nazi Sentinel. Then
with a whoosh, Cable jumps through a time portal to "help" because it's
all part of a time-travel plot by someone called Trask to wipe out
mutants earlier in history. In a thrill-powered moment, Trask sends the
Sentinel after Cable by programming it with the punched card he's
already had made for the mutants he knows about. Bucky then blows it up.
In the second story, a Hulk and Wolverine from the future come back to
stop a Hulk and Wolverine from the present arguing about a slice of
cake. They were sent back by a Red Hulk PotUS, who looks like either
General Ross or JJJ. These are fun, but standalone tales which
presumably are supposed to contribute to an overall plot by increments,
and they're tremendous fun but the real truth is that they're just not
long enough and so end up being completely unsatisfying. Like just
eating canapes instead of having a proper meal. Strip this down to one
story and it'll be as much fun as the late lamented Tangled Web, which
I'm sure we'd all love to see back.
All-New-X-Men #1:
It starts with a summary of A Vs X, which seems to be as follows - the
Scarlet Witch gets rid of mutants, but then Phoenix comes from space and
powers them back up again; then Cyclops kills Professor X which makes
Phoenix sad and go back to space so now all the mutants are becoming
mutants again. Alles klar? Beast becomes the Beast again, and the
team-up of Cyclops, Emma Frost and Magneto (who may or may not be a good
guy now) find a new mutant in Australia who has frozen time. The
resolution of this section is kind of confusing if I'm honest, as they
can get in her time bubble so why they don't just take her out and then
collapse the bubble isn't clear and they seem to do it the way they do
just so they can have a FITE (or, even more cynically, just so there can
be that splash page of them having a fight). It rumbles on in the same
way, until Beast goes back in time to try and persuade past-Cyclops not
to be a baddie. Maybe. This feels like a single shot story rather than a
reboot if I'm honest and although it's a great read I'm not sure I care
for where it's going. I'm then further confused by the sarcastic end
piece, which seems unsure about who the target market is. I have a
nagging feeling if they're all like this issue then this could be a more
painful experience than doing this for DC. Time will tell.
Deadpool #1:
A Scottish magician guy brings back the dead PotUSes, Captain America
decapitates Harry S Truman, a giant dinosaur turns up and Deadpool burts
out of its chest... LOOK, JUST BUY THIS. It's exactly what you
expect/want it to be but makes it clear it's not a reboot. Deadpool is
dreaming of franchising his book. You should be celebrating.
Fantastic Four #1:
The skinny - Reed's powers are failing and he wants to take the entire
contents of the Baxter Building into space for a year and use a time
portal to return when they left, ostensibly so he can discover an
unknown universe. Despite the fact they won't actually be missing, the
premise for the FF series is to make sure everything's fine when they're
gone by putting in replacements. Franklin has a nightmare foreshadowing
something going wrong when they're lost in space/time. This jumps about
an awful lot and might seem kind of baffling to people who haven't been
reading either of the other books for the past few years.
Iron Man #1:
Unlikely as it sounds, despite all the years of battling it Extremis is
back on the loose and Tony is trying to shut it down. Being a Greg Land
book, this has lots of identikit women. Like, LOTS of women. Everybody
who isn't Tony or the bad guy, pretty much, is a woman. It's like
reading a Gail Simone book which is sexist for different reasons for a
change. Only more entertaining.
Thor God Of Thunder #1:
Taking place in three time regions, this story of a God killer is a
great read but feels like it's all been done before. If this was an Alan
Moore or Gmoz book we'd accuse them of going over old ground. Fun, but
pointless. Like painting targets on your nipples and getting somebody to
fire rubber bands at them or something.
Uncanny Avengers #1:
THERE ARE MORE VARIANT COVERS OF THIS THAN THERE ARE PAGES IN THE
COMIC. Is this the 80s again, again? Anyway, this takes place some time
before All-New-X-Men as Cyclops is in custody and there's lots of
harking back to what happened in A Vs X. Ultimately, some aliens or
something turn up and stop Rogue from punching the Scarlet Witch by
stabbing her. The Red Skull cuts out Charles Xavier's brain. I have no
idea what's going on or how it relates to the other books, and I'm not
sure I care.
X-Men Legacy #1: The son of Charles
Xavier does some Dragonball Z cosplay in the Himalayas, then sucks the
life force out of people who have names with lots of z and x in them in
an alien space prison, which it turns out is only in his imagination. It
then does a pile of desperate GMoz wanna pseudo-mystic bullshit and
something or nothing happens. Impenetrable bollocks that thinks it's
clever.
And onto the books which are part of Marvel NOW! but aren't being renumbered/rebooted/whatever...
Avengers Assemble #9:
The Avengers before the Uncanny Avengers have a kind of goofball
team-up adventure in the ice and snow of Russia. If this and
All-New-X-Men both contradict Uncanny Avengers, can I ignore it as out
of continuity? Please? It's one of the things I haven't liked very much,
so it would be expedient to do so. Ta.
Red She-Hulk #58-59:
Yet another different Avengers lineup tries to take down Betsy Ross
(who, while nobody was reading, became the Sexy Rulk because hs was at
the original Gamma event or something). They sort of fail. But not in a
way that's good enough to care about.
Wolverine & The X-Men #19-20:
Wants to be wacky teen fluff. Almost succeeds. Contradicts
All-New-X-Men and (possibly) Uncanny X-Men. Thankful now I don't have
any other books to read.
And that's it. I don't know what they're
trying to do, and don't know whether they've succeeded or not. I can't
work out whether there's supposed to be a continuity (because several
things contradict each other already) and if there isn't then what's the
point of the whole thing? And as enjoyable as they are, the whole thing
just feels tired - like all the plots for the FF, Thor and Iron Man
have been used up and are treading water. And the real-world setting
just actively works against the titles. I mean, both Uncanny Avengers
and Deadpool destroy New York AGAIN. INDEPENDENTLY. That can't be right,
surely? A better read than DC's effort, but less of a success I think.
Time will tell.
Aquaman #13: How much sad can a sadface get if a
Geoff Johns could write sad? NONE MORE SADFACE. This is like the nexus
of Sadface and suck. Manta gets the sceptre from Atlantis which makes
his craft into a crazy teleporting device which, handily, Mera has a
computer that can track. Because Manta has killed the Russian who has
always been Arthur's mate (you know, the one who only turned up a month
or so ago) Artur wants to kill Manta but doesn't. Manta's sidekick
and/or boss, who Arthur and Mera have randomly decided is a good guy
really and therefore don't turn into the police, gets to spend the rest
of his life going round to soldiers' widows letting them no their
husbands loved them really because he can see their ghosts. Instead of
the rational reaction which should be OMG GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK!
POLICE! POLICE! instead they coat his shoulders with their grateful
tears, giving him a lob on, or something. I hate you, Geoff Johns.
Really. You're a worse thing for comics than Rob Liefeld, and I'm not
even exaggerating.
Action Annual #1: Can it be
true? Is Sholly Fisch really a better writer than GMoz? DON'T BE STUPID,
OF COURSE HE'S NOT. Imagine the pain in your heart you feel when you
have to read one of his backups, then stretch it out to 10 times the
length. Kryptonite Man gets invented in a lab during Action Comics #8
(yes, this takes place 6 months ago) and then gets beaten up by Superman
and Steel. The experience convinces Stell he should go off instead and
form a startup company in Australia to bring buildings to the natives
out there (while learning the digeridoo and how to dance round a fire).
Luthor learns from this issue that K hurts Supes, which I thought he
already knew (and was shown in Action #2 or #3 as a fact), but feels
like OOH PLOT POINT in any case. Despite this, there is a completely
unexpected Atomic Skull backup which is very nearly worth the price of
admission itself.
Steal it and have a look, you won't regret it.
Batgirl Annual #1:
MAKE IT STOP. This has the girl Talon that appeared in Batgirl OWLS
(although from memory I think the boxout refers to the wrong issue) and
it turns out OWLS are still as active as ever, just not in Batman or any
of the Batbooks and Batman and the whole Batfamily (including Batgirl)
couldn't give a toss about them because it's Catwoman they're after. And
despite the fact just ONE OWL was nearly good enough to kill Bats
himself, Catwoman is able to take on several and win (presumably, it all
happens offscreen). GIRL POWER! Or something. The whole issue is only
an excuse to get the girl Talon into Birds of Prey. Deep joy.
Justice League Dark Annual #1:
Hooray for sequential storytelling! A book which comes out after #13
actually takes place after #13! But oh no, it takes place before I,
Vampire #8! (Although at least it tells you and acknowledges it, which
is something at least.) Anyway, nearly every magical hero you can think
of ends up at Nanda Parbat. Where the books of magic eventually reveal
they're a super alien space computer. Science not magic, you see?
Go Obama 2012 or something! If not, what is the point of this? It's readable enough I suppose, but... meh.
Swamp Thing Annual #1:
Umm. Yes. A prequel to #14, but telling a story from before #0. And
it's a pretty good one, all told, or at least very diverting. But as
with most of the #0s, adding very little to the plot, really. Can I
start another sentence with a preposition? No. Yes? But no. Although
yes? It might say something that this kind of wordplay is arguably more
entertaining.
All Star Western #13: You know by now whether you
like this by now. I do, so it's great. Jingles (which sounds like it
should be a reference I should pick up) is a clown at Haly's Circus. In
fact, I'm guessing this is the time when Haly's dettles in the greater
Gotham area, allowing the plot of Nu Nightwing to take place. Anyway,
Jingles is sort of a proto-Joker, who paints his victims with a clown
face despite being a clown and this being a BIT of a clue because he was
abused by a priest when he was an altar boy. He says STABBY STABBY
STABBY while he stabs people, which is kind of endearing. Plus people
get eaten by tigers, which is always cool. The Tomahawk backup is kinda
meh (and not helped by me watching Rich Hall's "Inventing The Indian"
during the week) but, y'know, it's only the backup to a great book. More
people should buy this.
Batman Inc #4: GMoz
ploughs his own furrow and great though it is you're left scratching
your head as to why it's in the New 52 at all, since it can't be
happening for about another year based on what's going on elsewhere and
assuming nothing happens in those books that means this can't be
happening. Any editor worth his salt would be publishing this under a
different imprint and that's the only way to think about it - preserved
in isolation, like ASS. Which is what DiDio clearly is for doing it the
way he has.
Batman TDK #13: Going from strength
to strength since Finch gave up on the writing, this take on the
Scarecrow could well end up being one of the definitive ones. Are
children's tears really one of the prime components of fear gas? Well
worth your time if you have the inclination.
I, Vampire #13:
Oh good, the book has undergone ANOTHER reboot. There are no vampires
any more, except for the ones that are, and the ones that aren't decide
to kill the ones that are because a mugger scared them. They all meet up
at the house of the character from the cover, who it turns out is an
important character in the good old days of these characters
pre-Johnsiverse. You know the only thing that goes on longer than the
interminable living forever of the undead? Reading this book. After a
brief diversion into comedy this has returned to the unreadable pile.
Justice League Dark #13:
For everything this does which is great (recasting minor DC horror
heroes in the Johnsiverse, Zatanna's powerlessness) it does something
which sucks (Nick's whole motivation is, wait for it, coat jealousy; and
houses racing each other, seriously? That just feels like 'TARDIS
chasing a taxi' level stupid.) and that's what undermines the book. It
can't go on much longer, surely?
Red Lanterns #13:
Oh, just fucking give up. It's the usual torture porn, then the Third
Army turn up and Atrocitus works out how to kill them (making the whole
OH NOES THE THIRD ARMY ARE THE BEST redundant already). And does this
happen before or after he's shown as a benevolent tutor in GL:NG? Hmm?
Superman #13:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. Superman is sick of Clark Kent's life and
usual human shit (actually this is pretty entertaining if I'm honest)
and then A DRAGON TURNS UP. But wait! The dragon knocks him all the way
over to Europe, to Ireland specifically.
Into the middle of a desert oil
well. Like what you get in Texas and the like, and the likes of which
there is < 1 of in Ireland.
Oh wait, it's a Kryptonian dragon, and
Supergirl is here and there's another Kryptonian lurking in the
background. But never mind that. IRELAND?
REALLY?
Talon #1:
Wow, this is wordy. It tells the entire plot of all the Johnsiverse
batbooks in boxouts on the first page, that's how wordy it is. I'm
really not sure what the point of this is. We've got Talon doing
Batman's job for him and tracking down the OWLS who are still out there,
aided by his Talon Cave, Talon Alfred and his Talon Utility Belt. I'm
betting there might be a Talon robin soon. Pointless but by virtue of
not being the Phantom Stranger or Amethyst is the best of the new titles
this month. Damning with faint praise there.
Teen Titans #13:
The origin of Wonder Girl is that a secret ancient cave in Cambodia
gave her magic armour, and the boyfriend she had at the time was going
to be taken over by it before she 'stole' it. As slight a comic as that
makes it sound.
Flash #13: Gorillas! Rogues!
Good Rogues! Gorillas! Bad Rogues! Gorillas! A blast, as ever. You like
it or you don't, but you do like it. What happens to the Pied Piper
is... a surprise, but the final page is pure Kev O'Neill. READ THIS
BOOK.
Firestorm #13: DAN JURGENS PLEASE WAKE UP!
YOU ARE NOT STILL IN THE EIGHTIES! Everybody knows about Firestorm,
Jason and Ronnie's parents are dating, Ronnie's grades are slipping,
which cute boy will ask Heather to the Prom? (Scratch that last one,
that might be from something else.) I'd say it's impossible to like
this, but Dan does and DiDio must as well, because he keeps giving Dan
books to write. Can we not just cancel this waste of paper?
Hawkman #13:
Liefeld's last stand is pretty much as dreadful as you'd imagine it to
be, as the now rebooted Hawkman is simultaneously Thanagarian and a
human possessed by Nth Metal, sometimes on the same page. (It finally
settles on a complete reboot, with Hawkman being Thanagarian.) I feel
like I've wasted a chunk of my life reading this when I could have been
doing something far more productive. Like picking a scab.
Batwoman #13: JH Williams is determined to leave
Batwoman with a bang, clearly. This is basically 9 splash pages and a
complete showcase for the artwork, but for the first time in months it
feels like there's an actual story behind the issue. Batwoman and Wonder
Woman go and visit the "Amazon Arkham Asylum" on a hunch and find out
that although they're wrong in the detail their hunch was right. It does
seem to be that Batwoman is being completely played though and not in
control of what she chooses to do. I'm still not sure how WW's
characterisation here, or in Justice League, squares with the Azzarello
book but I've enjoyed reading this for the first time in months and
maybe that's enough.
Birds of Prey #13: What is
this, 'make all our books suddenly better' week? This is suprisingly
readable and drawn well enough, ignoring the previous arcs to a large
extent and just being a decent enough team-up book. Yes, the torture
scenes (although not shown) feel a bit gratuitous but the pay-off of how
Starling gets suckered into the trap which is no doubt going to form
the next issue makes that fairly easy to forgive. A significant
improvement and one hopefully they can keep up.
Blue Beetle #13:
Has something happened when I wasn't looking? This is half-decent too,
as the plot hurtles towards a conclusion. We end up on Reachworld and
meet a similarly-minded Scarab guy (who I have no recollection of from
GL:NG despite a box-out telling me I should) and they head off to
destroy the Scarab planet. But OH NOES they're being chased by the guy
from BB#0! Incredibly, this means one of the books from Zero Month
wasn't a waste of time. Remarkable. 
Catwoman #13:
And just like that, Ann Nocenti gets involved and the week turns to
shit. The overall plot isn't too bad (Catwoman playing a giant chess
game across the city for unexplained reasons) but as usual the dialogue
is dreadful and can't be saved by the art which has retreated to the
T&A of the first couple of issues. How many gratuitous bra shots?
Yet, curiously, I want to know what comes next. I suspect I won't be
interested once I find out.
DCU Presents #13: Oh
God, I'd forgotten about this. The Johnsiverse fucks up Blue Devil, as
expected. This is a pretty basic "heroes mistake each other for the bad
guys" tale - which is odd, because both of them are tracking drug
dealers and not supervillains - and with a bit of background. Blue Devil
is not Blue Devil yet, he's just a guy in a suit, but we do get a FWOOM
and a different speech bubble, so maybe it happens in the last panel.
There's a bad guy who is clearly NOT THE KINGPIN. Because Marvel
wouldn't be happy if he was. Just like I'm not happy having read it. I'm
more angry than disappointed, because I knew it would be like this.
GL:NG #13:
So, we left Zero Month not in a zero, but firmly in main GL
continuity... we're not really there, but maybe we are and there's just a
gap of some description. I mean there must be gaps - in GL:NG #1 we see
Ganthet give Kyle his ring and he immediately change into his costume.
Yet, in this issue we learn about the girlfriend who designed his
costume over a number of weeks (days? months?) after Ganthet gave him
the ring. So is this a soft reboot? It can't be, surely, because
Atrocitus refers to the events of previous issues (even if he wasn't in
them - in fact, I'm not sure he can be in this based on what's happening
in Red Lanterns). Anyway, Carol is making sure Kyle can channel the
powers of all the other Lantern colours so he can be the best Lantern
ever and get Hal back from the dead because he's the best Lantern ever
Lantern Lantern Lantern Lantern AAAAARRGH MAKE IT STOP.
Justice League #13:
The fallout from Super Horny Snogfest starts here! Or does it? It's the
first page, but then never really comes up apart from to say "it was
nice" as unemotionally as possible. Instead, we get Sadface about the
relationship between WW and the Cheetah, who seems to be powered up in
the Johnsiverse. Best of all, Superman seems to randomly hover in the JL
Clubhouse. Anyway, Superman gets turned into a cheetah. Not, as all
fans of Showcase Presents Superman would have wanted, a lion. 
There's a pretty sadface Steve Trevor backup which is essentially
Justice League of America #0 and seems to feature the Green Arrow from
television's Arrow and not the one from the DC comic Green Arrow. Good.
How's that there continuity working out for you?
LoSH #13:
As ever, solid enough space opera. Nothing to write home about, then
nothing to complain about either I guess. I wish it was better, but it's
still fans only.
Nightwing #13: This is rubbish.
Moving it back to Gotham has made it pretty redundant as a comic and it
has to do a whole scene to remind you this is the one with the circus.
It points out that the Joker is back, but then in a boxout says that
it's just in Batman so Nightwing doesn't need to help take him down. I
really thought beforehand there was a surfeit of Batbooks and this just
proves it.
Red Hood #13: Irrespective of what's
happening in Batman and Robin, the gang are still in space. But the
Joker appears on the last page. Does that mean B&R is taking place
after the other Batbooks? If not, then how does Damian encounter Jason
in Gotham? Am I the only person that cares about stuff like this? This
is a good book, whichever was you look at it, although this issue maybe
isn't quite as thrill powered as the last half dozen have been.
Supergirl #13:
Kara investigates the Shoe Shop of Solitude, which eats the guy from
the first plotline. She then phones up the Byrne Banshee girl to boast
about how totes amazeballs it is before the Shoeshop tries to force her
into the Superfamily crossover (which, I'm betting, is going to
contradict the Superman/Daemonite stuff which the Johnsiverse was
founded on). I really don't understand why anybody would willingly read
this.
Sword of Sorcery #1: Jesus, after 20 pages
this Amethyst strip is interminable. File under "would never have been
commissioned if someone hadn't read a one-line review of Game of Thrones
in the NYT". The Beowulf backup, on the other hand, chunters along
nicely and we get our first view of "iron trolls" i.e. robots. It
wouldn't be enough to encourage me to pay for it, but it's pretty
moreish.
Wonder Woman #13: Still maintaining a
level of excellence that Johns and DiDio don't deserve, Azzarello mines
an almost BPRD aspect to the book amid hints from Lennox (not
Constantine or Gravel) what she should be doing and alongside a Gods'
conference of War. Still well worth your time and effort.
Batgirl #13: Bat Cross over prequel! Except it just
does the previous Batgirl plot, a needless cheesecake shot and a
conspiracy that revives the plots of the previous year. Doesn't seem
very Joker-y or prequel-y to me. But why reist the temptation of putting
a banner on the cover in the hope of selling another couple of issues,
eh? Because it's all about the money, obviously. And not the integrity
that our heroes are supposed to have. YOU MAKE ME SICK.
Batman #13:
NOW THAT'S HOW YOU BRING THE JOKER BACK. TENSION TENSION TENSION TENSIO
TENSION BAM. This is how you write batbooks. Damn. And the betrayal of
Harley backup is great too. BOOM that's boom of the week right there.
Batman & Robin #13:
A middling book but the page 13 BAM makes it worth reading. All the
same, a very good effort and one which ignores both the Zero Month
nonsense and the Joker return in order to tell the story it wants to.
Which is zombies in Gotham and so still maybe of marginal interest. Ho
hum.
Deathstroke #13: Oh God Rob, I thought you
were done. "I'm the best at what I do." You're not mate. Seriously. I'd
like to say you were the worst, but JT Krul has stolen that even from
you. Must Try Harder. Just not on anything I'm reading.
Demon Knights #13:
Cornell sends all the Demon Knights to Hell under the thrall of Lucifer
and does a pretty good job of it. Yes, it's Etrigan heavy and yes, he
makes him kind of a wuss... but we get Vandal Savage being funny and the
other characters being themselves so perfectly good but not up there
with the great book this week. But better than everything else, so you
pays your money you takes your choice.
Frankenstein #13:
Rotworld but not Rotworld but Rotworld without Rot except in the real
world. Feels tacked-on. Feels inessential. Is tacked-on. Is inessential.
GLC #13:
The Guardians decide Guy Gardner is the best Lantern ever and give him a
new name to prove it, but in doing so bring out his worst enemy ever
(the chap he fought in GLC #0) from their prison and set him free. Guy
is compromised during a trade mission they've set him up on and heads to
Earth but OH NOES ambushed on the way and all the OH WHO CARES. Some
people are dead, some aren't, some might be next month. I can feel the
blood draining from my eyes trying to keep the lights on long enough to
get to the end of this.
Grifter #13: Rob says
Grifter is still great. Marat Mychaels draws Voodoo boss-eyed. Like,
PROPERLY boss-eyed. Pontoon eyes - one twists, one sticks.
He then eats her face while still speaking. My favourite bit though is
Apollo out of Stormwatch dancing while displaying the world's smallest
dinkle. 
You'd think any of this made it worth your time. You'd be wrong.
Legion Lost #13:
Even I am tired of Tellus being affected by the "death cry of
billions". Bored of it now and no amount of sprockin' sprockin' can make
it worth the effort.
Suicide Squad #13: Ignoring
the Zero Month bullshit, this picks up where it was beforehand (you
remember, betrayal, ambush etc) and is great but I'm not spoiling the
end other than to say I never saw Floyd doing that. A great read, again.
Superboy #13:
So this crosses over into Ravagers while simultaneously crossing over
into Superman and Supergirl. None of these things make it any more fun
to read. It's sort of ok but all over the place and so really not worth
it but in comparison this week is still very accomplished.
Team Seven #1:
Holographic Wolverine is the only readable thing in this twenty pages
of bollocks. So DiDio, this is going to rejuvenate your line, huh? "I
DON'T THINK SO!"
This pre-dates Justice League #1, yes? WAIT, WHY AM I PRETENDING I CARE?
Ravagers #5: Oh, I'm past fucking caring. Somebody punches somebody else but they're not the X-Men OBVIOUSLY. Not anything worth your time.
Phantom Stranger #1:
Our hero kills a kid with a car in order to chat up a girl inside
Stonehenge. But it turns out rather than doing what God wants him to
he's actually living a secret life with a wife and children without God
knowing. SHH IT'S A SECRET but Pandora has opened her box and found out.
This really is not a promising start. Or a promising finish to the
week. I've had better ones. Oh well.
